College.

College has been the epitome of exhaustion.

Everyday I drag myself awake at 6.30am, get to college, go through the entire hustle and bustle that is my studies, friends and long mind numbing breaks, walk to KL Sentral, sit a train I so despise and I do seriously despise it because I tell random strangers how much I hate it, get home, sit on my bed, on Gilmore Girls and sit stagnant until two episodes pass.

I do like routine, but this is just a little too much!

Studies are exhausting. It doesn't feel like high school anymore. I learn new things every single day, I digest information that makes my head spin, I take tests and feel like I have no clue what the hell I was doing and I'm just plain confused. I hate this feeling. I was always that person who took pride in knowing that I know absolutely everything. When it comes to studies, everyone expects me to do well. And I have to, I just have to.

But apart from my studies, everything else has been pretty alright. I've got this group of slightly insane friends that are always giggly and happy. I'm slowly breaking out of my shell, which is saying something since I used to be as quiet as a mouse. I don't dread going to college as much as I did anymore and its refreshing to meet new people, talk to them and understand them.

Orientation Camp was hilarious :) I do enjoy the experience although I still think 3 days 2 nights was too short a time to get acquainted! I'm happy though, that I went and got to sleep in the most uncomfortable tent ever, jungle trek at night (which was fun, seriously!) and walking under the rain from stream trotting.

In a nutshell, college up until now has been an exhausting experience. :)

Blur.

I relish in the dark seclusion of my mind. Its a quiet place to think about life, love, things that matter to me and not anyone else. I'd like to form my own opinions, think about minor things that seems monumental to me and daydream all day long about everything and everyone I know.

I want to be able to say I know about things I think I know about. I'd like to say I'm good at something and not feel apprehensive because I so believe in being jinxed. I want to not be afraid of anything, to talk as loudly and freely as I want, and to always be excruciatingly happy.

What a blur.

Wee.

Hi :)

Have just returned from the strenuous MCKL Orientation Camp. Just dropping by to say things have been better and college is starting to grow on me.

And hopefully it will stay this way :)

Will update more when I'm feeling a little less lazy. XD

I think I'm going a little insane.

Rest, Shame, Love.

In a split decision (I would like to call it that), I decided to enter college.

I would like to point out that a decision made in the entire duration of my trip from my house to the coffee shop where I had my breakfast was probably not the wisest decision of my life. On my mind at that point was just my surreal boredom that stretched along endless days with this incredible void and nothing to fill it. So, I went to college thinking that I'd really like to start studying again just to fill up my time.

While my parents have different opinions as to why I should enter college, basically everyone agreed with one another, that yes, I was to enter college and start slugging it out towards my big dreams.

On the second day of college, I realized that I'd probably made the stupidest decision in my teenage life.

Not only did I drastically cut short my holiday, I plunged myself into the thick of insecurity, to the worries that consumes me until I lose my appetite, to books that cost and weigh too much, to people that become my mere acquaintances, to passing conversations, long train rides that cause throbbing headaches and a loneliness so palpable, its at times so awful I wanted to cry.

There are the perks of college of course. The lure of this next chapter of life, phase of life that I decided, not exactly on my own, but to my own benefit. I enjoy my classes. I enjoy the learning process of absorbing new and sublime knowledge to aid me in pursuing my dreams. I like that my parents and I have mapped out all my decisions and I am prepared to take on challenges. And although I hate doing it on my own, I've accustomed myself to the fact that loneliness should never scare me. That somewhere in there is my loud and bubbly self struggling to battle my own drama queen emotions.

So, for now, college is not exactly what I envisioned it to be. Perhaps, in time I will be more confident and more enlightened to the prospect of waking up at 6 and spending my entire day in college. It is supposed to be fun. That is what it has been implied to be.

Just not yet for me. Just not yet.

..

What do the fates have in store for me today?

Decisions.

I'm having that feeling like if someone touches me right now, I'd turn to a mountain of sand.

What a day, out of all the days to have a fever. Missed out on meeting my lovies and that makes me incredibly annoyed. That and my throbbing headache, my feeling of frailty.

I've decided on my future. And if everything goes by plan, it'll be a bright one.

;

it feels like heaven

you and i

its like heaven

so divine

Hey Now.

Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I'd imagine that life presents us with opportunities that come in the form of the sweetest chocolates or varying shapes and sizes, taste and texture, colour whether black or white. That box of chocolates represents the choices you make in life. Whether you choose a round one coated with bittersweet chocolate or the square one filled with sweetness. You never know what you're truly going to get because that's how life is. You can't remove all the bitter chocolates and leave the sweet ones. You've got to go through every single chocolate presented to you bitter or sweet because life's just like that. Bitter and sweet.

I love My Name Is Kim Sam Soon. :) Such an inspiration.

I smiled when she explained the once inexplicable quote. Now I can truly explain that quote and know that life is everything it presents itself to be. It's just a box of chocolates that may be deceiving at times, may be forgotten at times, may be bitter sometimes but that little touch of sweetness is completely worthwhile.

Don't forgot to enjoy the chocolates in life. Its all you have sometimes.

;

sky black and blue

blue to red

it's quiet in the streets now

you're screaming in your head

Serendipity.

Life is often defined by many near misses.

Whether its by fate or that peculiar serendipitous moments when the whole world converges to one particular moment.

When you feel your heart beating against your chest, your cheeks flushing a deep red, your breath quickens and you get that great surge of adrenaline that leaves you absolutely petrified and so incredibly happy, you feel sick.

But it's not always the case. Because not everyone gets to feel that way. It takes someone special.

I love Gilmore Girls. I love how Lorelai and Christopher are always defined by their near misses. How they may seem like the perfect couple but are inevitably not made for each other. Heck, they came pretty close but when some things are not written in the stars, its simply not meant to be.

And I'm going to take it that way. Refusing to rub salt onto an open wound. I don't want to feel stuck at the start of a new year. What has past, shall remain in the past. All cliches aside, I'm glad I went, I'm glad it wasn't that bad as I imagined it to be, I'm glad that whatever has happened is over now.

It's not written in the stars.

I'll just have to find that someone who is meant for me.

M.F.E.O.

Made For Each Other.

2010.

Happy New Year everybody :)

I had a quaint new years eve with Ainur watching Night At Museum 2. Just curled up in a couch and being downright silly is just the right way to start a new year! 2010's finally here :)

Had an outing with Jasman and Ainur before going over to Ainur's house for a sleepover. Watched Sherlock Holmes which was completely ah-ma-zing although I was completely freaked out most the time. Jumping everytime something explodes is extremely exhausting. :) I've also completely exhausted my voice box which often happens when I'm with two extremely talkative people who won't stop bickering and running around while I chase them like a mum :) T'was funny though and extremely entertaining!

What a way to start a new year, ayh?

Here's to a nice 2010. A quaint year. A beautiful year. A less emo year for this bloggie. And a less lazy blogger :)

♥'s.

What Happened?

What's the meaning of a new year?

I wonder if I should be spending new year's eve with people that matter.

Would how my new year's eve turn out have any effect on the whole melodrama-ness of the coming year? Will 2010 truly suck because I had a sucky day?

Sometimes I wonder why I believe in all these pathetic superstitions. From 11:11 to handling things in a routine so that nothing bad ever happens. I'm such a sucker for being scared all the time, being so afraid of breaking my little beliefs because they are out of the ordinary, out of the norm that I'm so accustomed to.

Why, why am I such a pain in the arse?

Someone needs to give me a sharp kick in the behind and jostle me out of the straight line I'm walking in. The monotony of endless meanderings, of complaining like the idiot I am and planning stupidly to have everything unceremoniously blown up in front of my face.

I raise my expectations to the height of dangerous proportions.

Why, why do I always do such stupid things??

So, who cares if I spend my new year alone? It's no big deal.

I don't even know why I care about this. It's stupid.

It's 2010 already. And I'm right back where I started 4 years ago. How the hell did that happen?

Perspective.

3. I need to stop waiting around for people around me to do something.

I gotta act on my own and stop being so gutless.

Waiting around won't work. If I want something to happen, I've got to get out and start living.

Because in the end, its my life that matters. My dreams, my hopes and my thoughts.

Screw the others.

They are only holding me back.

Friends.

2. Love my friends. For the time they have been by my side. Through all that we've craziness of life. No matter how much harder it will get later, love my friends.

Because they matter so much.

Family.

What's your new years resolution?

1. Love thy family. Like they love me.

Running Out Of Time.

I can't believe it's going to be 2010 already.

I know I said my 2009 sucked, but this quick advancement into the future is freaking me out. There's no more school to go, to whine about and to worry about. Now, there's bigger, scarier things to worry about. Like colleges, jobs and new people.

This is probably the only opportunity to start over.
Oh God, I'm so freaked.

With the start of 2010, thus begins a new chapter in my life. Yikes, how cliche.
With the start of 2010, this blog will be 4 years old.

I am so scared. I need a hug.

Done.

Merry Christmas everybody. :)

What a bland day it was for me. Battling a stomach ache and a headache is no joke.
Christmas Eve was filled with trepidation of the future. A feeling of what's to come. Which probably caused this headache. Or light headed-ness. Or something, whatever this thing is.

I have nothing to say :) This blog has been the epitome of blandness. I'm pretty much tired of my blog and tired of everything around me. I'm also very worn out, done with all the music, done with all those jumbled up thoughts in my teeny weeny brain that I make out to be something larger than a grain of sand.

And you, you're pretty much exhausted that you have to read about my sad and pitiful life, aren't you? :)

I don't blame you. I'm not really this whiny in real life. I like to keep to myself, mutter behind closed doors, imagine scenarios in my mind that replay like a record.

And right now, I'm just done. Done done done. Done with people that hurt me. Done with friends that only break my heart. Done with hoping and confining myself in this little shell because I'm petrified with fear.

I need a change. And I'm not going to just whine about it. I really need to do this shit.

I need to stop being so pathetic.

And I'm done with all of this pain. Just done.

Feeling.

Everyone wants to feel loved.

Diamonds In The Sky.

Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

When it feels like you don't know where you're going

Don't wear a frown on your face, you'll get frown lines
Remember to smile, the people on the other side has never felt your warmth
Look up, stand straight, don't let them see you shiver
Always have your memories by your side, to remind you about your mistakes
Be the keen learner, the quiet observer
Open your heart to any possibility thrown your way

Put on your yellow dress and prove to the world that you could be brighter than the sun.

Let the current drift you away into the dark unknown,
But- don't forget.

After The Storm.

Hello.

Its been a whirlwind ever since SPM ended. Trips to shopping malls laden with shopping bags, visits to relatives that made me laugh with the sweet taste of family love, books under the covers, sleepless night of dreams of zombies and butterflies and empty promises of plans that I attempt to carry out but that always end with that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm glad though, that SPM has ended. It feels more like a decade ago since I took SPM. Now, conversations have turned to "Where are you going for college?", "What are you planning to do?" and "What's in the future for you?". Its exhilarating entering this new phase of life, turning the new chapter (what a cliche ;-/) and moving on to bigger, better and brighter things.

It's quite discontenting to not be able to give anyone any straight answer about my plans in the future. That haze that's settled is unnerving but it makes me even more excited. Because these long term plans sometime have no basis. In a split second, it could overturn and change your expectations. I'll let the world come to me, envelop me in its arms and move me to the universe.

The year is about to end. I'm in a position not anymore different than I was last year. Still naive, still a little confused and still sort of stuck in the haze. It's always the case for Decembers. December blues. The 19th of December also marks the 4th year I migrated to Petaling Jaya.

I am happy. I am sad. I am in the middle. I can't really decipher my feelings right now. It's a muddle in my brain. I am scared. I am excited.

I want to be in love again.

Whoopeee.

I should really update my blog =)
Toodles =)

Hold My Breath.

I'm going through an emotional moment.
This could be a passing phase or I'm just very much stuck in the middle.

.

Spontaneity is plain bullshit.

Circles.

I spent the afternoon sorting my entire stacks of books accumulated for 2 years. It was amazingly tall, the little tower I built made of books, pieces of papers, scribbled words over my 2 turbulent years of preparation for the inane exam that is about to end in approximately 4 blissful days. I finally had the space to fit in my newly purchased books, sort out my belongings like I was sifting through a rubble and keep things along with tossing them out of my life. It's melancholic watching all your hardwork get torn into pieces, stuffed in a plastic bag and tossed into a green garbage bin.

I was on a depression streak having feeling restless the entire day. After the sorting, I decided to bring down my white box of memories from my days in Tawau and my days in PJ. I found a letter tucked under my box from a certain someone and it brought back incredible memories from the little nooks of my thoughts. Strange how fast time passes, yes? I was sitting there surrounded by all my memorabilias. Letters from friends who promised me to keep in touch, letters from a certain someone who reminded me I was loved or else very much adored, birthday wishes, a pair of boy and girl bears that sat side by side and the S.M.K. St Patrick blue tie that I kept having used it for only a year.

They say that your past is what builds you. I believe it does but it could be a very scary thing visiting my thoughts of my past. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me think how scary it is that promises can be easily broken. Where will I be in ten years time when I open my box once again and stare into what feels like too much heartbreaking realities spitting at my face?

People have changed. Heck, people of Tawau have ceased to remember me or even give me much thought. Is that how people evolve over the years? Are we bound to forget about the people that we used to care about? Certainly, I am to be blamed as well for failing to keep in touch. But is that the reality of our relationships? Can it be possible that eventually I'll stop keeping in touch with my best friends for primary school, high school and Tawau, the place I grew up?

I'm 17 years old. I am at the crossroads of life where I either move forwards or go backwards. And I'm starting to think that I'm just running around in circles.

And fall until we fly, live until we die together
If heaven is my home you could only make it better

Scary.

There's come a time in life when one comes to a standstill. I don't mean literally, just emotionally. The numbing raw sense of loss and regret comes flooding in at that exact moment and everything you used to know suddenly made no sense at all.

It's scary to face the daunting world. I've been reading so much about people that have been abused, lives that have changed and tears that were shed. Its fearful to see the world mirrored in such devastation that could bring one to tears. I'm afraid to face the world. Aren't you?

I hear of people getting rapped, being torn bone to bone, contracting deadly diseases that weaken the strongest person, people succumbing to suicide to leave this excruciatingly cruel world and lives shaken, love lost, hearts break.

Is this how we were all meant to live?
Because if it so, gosh, it's really awful now isn't it?

Though Your Heart Is Aching.

Smile
tho' your heart is aching,

Smile
Even though its breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,

If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worhwhile,
If you just smile.

-written by the amazing Charlie Chaplin-

One should take time out of their busy schedules, to breathe in the good air and listen to a song like this.

To smile and appreciate life for what it is.

Gosh, I'm so scared of growing up.

Holes.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Nothing in life is easy. But that's no reason to give up. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. After all, you only have one life, so you should try to make the most of it.

-Mr. Pendanski [From the novel Holes by Louis Sachar]

You're not that wise, Mr Pendanski. Considering that you called Zero stupid and got hit on the head by a shovel :)

Oh please dont mind me. I'm going to go crawl back under the rock I emerged from. :) Byebye.

Forgotten.

I think I've lost my ability to convey my emotions through words.
They seem fickle, unimaginative and uninspiring.

Smother.

You're not supposed to.
I know I'm not supposed to. I'm not.
What has gotten into you?
I think I'm lonely.

Knee-deep in SPM and am wondering when it will smother me to death.

Sincerely.

Just stopping by to say...

HAPPY FANTABULOUS SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY TO MY DARLING DEBBEH THE WEBBEH =D

You have been a bundle of joy, my gila kawan and my favourite hug :)
It has been a beautiful 3 years of knowing you :)
From LLC I to Jubilee to those endless Leo Activities and oh NEW YEARS DAY =D
Thank you for the loveee :)

We shall celebrate after SPM! A huge ass cake just for you mwah :)

p/s: Let's wall post each other more! XD

Half Of My Heart.

5 more days till SPM.

My very last days in SMK Assunta.
My high school life coming to a screeching halt.
A very uncertain and scary year ahead.
An empty December to mope around.

5 more days till SPM.

Just what exactly will I be doing in the end?

Lost Then Found.

Good Times :) ♥

Why do we say things we can’t take back
Why do we miss what we never had
Both of us fell to the ground
The love was so lost, it couldn’t be found