Being Nice ; Bernice ♥

Weakness.

2012-01-31T09:59:00.000+08:00

Hey.

There, I finally got the first word out.

Hey.

I wonder whats running through his mind right now, surprise at seeing my name pop up on his screen again? or just nonchalance, like oh-thats-a-friend-thats-talking-to-me. I wonder if he's holding his breath like I am. Okay, I should stop over-analysing this.

How're you?

How have you been? How is your family? Is your parents healthy? Is your sister okay, she sounds a little heartbroken on Facebook. Are YOU okay? What are you feeling? How have you been feeling since we were apart? Are you happy that you're single again, ready to take on new relationships? Are you already planning your new life, your new life that would definitely not include me?

Am fine.

I wonder why it feels so difficult to continue a conversation when it was once so easy to.

What have you been up to?

If I have any right to know at this point.

I gtg. Bye.

Okay, bye.

I miss you.

Louder.

2012-01-28T19:06:00.001+08:00

Its time to ride into the sunset.
Head held high, shoulders straightened, hair pulled back, face determined.
Its time to forget the things that I cannot change and move on to things that could be different.
This year may not have started the way I envisioned it to be, I wouldn't even say its going to be a great year. But its another year I am living, another year of breathing the air of life and another step closer to my happily ever after.

I am going to stop breaking the promises I made to myself.
Stop being influenced by people and their narrow perceptions.
I am going to be so awesome, my spirit will be on fire, I will be independent and full of life.
People can try, but they are not going to break my spirit.

From here on now, its full steam ahead.
Now or never.
World ends or not, I want to know that I have LIVED my life this year to the best of my abilities.
I am going to keep reminding myself that I am alive and I should be thankful; and people who don't appreciate me, should not have the chance to love me.

So if you have made promises to yourself this year; get going.
Heck, we only live once. Live loud; live free; live crazily.

The Lonely.

2012-01-15T18:01:00.001+08:00

I had been crying again.
The salty tears were still clinging hopelessly against my cheeks as I forced myself to fall asleep. You'd think it would hurt less that I'd forget more after a month. But the hurts is still there. Like a constant reminder that you're not here and my heart is still not ready to let go.

I rolled out of bed, more tired than ever. There were fireworks in the background, which I thought was incredibly strange. There isn't any special occasions today. Is someone out there celebrating my pain? Then I glanced outside and realized something even more stranger, it was a hot afternoon. Why would anyone be playing with fireworks in the middle of the afternoon?

Dazed and disoriented, I pondered all of that as I gingerly stepped out of the bed. The sheets were crumpled behind me, remnants of my tears on my pillowcase. It was as if I could see my broken heart in pieces, among all those sheets that still miraculously smelled like him sometimes. I stepped away from the messy bed, moving in a slow rhythmic motion towards the bathroom. Maybe splashing a little water on my face would help, I thought. I opened the door to the bathroom and a brilliant light illuminated in through the window, the hot afternoon sun beating. I was blinded for a moment, with all my tears, everything felt dark, gloomy, hopeless. As my eyes refocused on the mirror in front of me, I stared back at a girl who seemed dazed. Her eyes were half-opened, as red as her nose and her hair was in a complete mess. I stared at her tear stained face looking back at me, the light that was in her eyes distinguished and her stature slumped in an almost quiet desperation. I moved in closer and the image in my mind starts to change.
I see her again, but a little younger. 13 years old. Tears were running down her face and she was clutching her phone close to her ear. It was tears of resolution, that there was nothing else that could be said.
The image changed again to the girl, 14 years old this time. This time it was tears of anger. The rain was falling heavily outside as she lashed out at the person who would break her heart, who would cheat on her and still had the guts to tell her lies.
The image changed again to the girl, 16 years old. She typed one message and with trembling hands, sent it off knowing that things will never be the same again. She then cradled the phone to her heart, and cried for everything that she wish she could change about herself.
Finally, it panned back to the girl, 19 years old. The remnants of tears hits the bathroom sink. Nothing has changed since the last time, I am still the same girl, older but none the wiser.

& everytime I give my heart away, I've managed to get it stomped on.
I'm left picking up the pieces, wondering where do I go from here. Is there really love out there for me? Will I ever find that other person, my other half, who would love me unconditionally? Would I be standing in front of my bathroom mirror again, heartbroken again, years to come?
& when will this torture, of going back and forth between my feelings end?

I would do anything for love.
I would go through any kind of shyt that life throws at me to find love.
But right now, all I want to do is curl up in a disappointed heap; knowing that love has once again deserted me when I needed it the most.

Books.

2012-01-13T10:10:00.000+08:00

Its akin to a warm, steaming cup of coffee.

The loud rumbling noise that the old train makes used to bother me a lot because it was a loud screeching noise that was hair-rising and incredibly annoying. I did not like the train, that is no surprise. Its slow, unreliable and more often than not, I'd come home grumbling, hot-tempered from yet another stuffy and long ride home. The fact that everyone on the train was so quiet also bothered me. Where is the zest in life, as I see many tired faces looking at each other so placidly, feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders as another monotonous day passes by. I feel trapped in this black and white world where the sights are always the same and the people are tired, empty shells.

Then I begin bringing a book with me everywhere I went. Whether it is to meet a friend or on dates or even on the way to class. These books becomes my silent companion, sort of like a friend thats talking to me while I sit through the stations to get to my destination. They tell me stories and whisper secrets which never fails to surprise me. As the train goes bouncing along the tracks, my nose would be buried in a book of all genres, whether its romance, classics, contemporary or thrillers. The more engulfed I am, the most I stop noticing the little discrepancies in my the train. I stopped noticing the loud bang it makes every time it passes by a certain location, I stopped noticing the loud humming noises it makes, I stopped noticing its patrons who stared blankly at me (because I really shouldn't be holding up the book so dangerously close to my nose) and I stopped feeling like I was even on a train!

I love the way a books pulls me in and enrapture me in words. Its amazing how a little book, with so tiny minuscule words can capture my entire attention that everything around me falls away. Its just me, and the characters who are poignant people experiencing their life. I see everything through their eyes, as they ran through the streets escaping a murderer, as they look into each others eyes and felt the deep stirring within their hearts, as they watch by the hinge of the door their loved one struggling with their thoughts and their desires, as tears came pouring down their faces, as they felt the loss, the heart wrenching loss that was so excruciating, I feel everything as the shadows stripes away and my thoughts settle in on these characters are so beautiful and so real to me.

Its never always a good read. Sometimes there are books that do not live up to their expectations. But there are some books, tucked in the corner of my bookshelf that every time I glance up, they are often the most distinctive to me. Its the kind of books that I would not read again too soon after I'm done because I don't want to spoil the magic and the spell that it had me under. It lives on in my memories, whether its quotes that engulf me in wonder or the characters that enthrall me.

More than anything I love books that makes me ponder. I may be walking down the street or sitting at a cafe and I would think back on the book I read and ponder the missing pieces. Books with no ending annoy me to no end but I'd spend a lot of time wondering what would happen if there was an ending. Its books like those that keeps the wonderment in the life and shows your outlook on life; would you make it a happy ending or a sad one?

Once, while I was on the train, I was reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. It was the scene where the main character, Ronnie, discovered that her dad was diagnosed with cancer. As I stood there, swaying along with the train, I felt her anguish and suffering and her deep regret so deeply, I started to cry. Naturally, I attracted some strange looks again but I didn't notice it until I closed the book and tears were still streaming down my face. To be able to be so lost in the authors words. So lost that I forget for a moment where I am; that is the definition of a great book.

This past month has been hard.
& I'm glad for that one distraction I can always count on.
a great book.

10.

2012-01-10T09:44:00.000+08:00

10 years ago, I was 10 years old and hopeful.

I sat cross-legged by the pillars that line the balcony and breathed deeply. I peered quietly at the abundant of things that I feel grateful for; the mango tree in my backyard, the grey gravel roads leading up to the gate where my dad would pull up any minute, the smell of cookies wafting in the air as my mum busies herself in the kitchen, the peeling rusted swing set that I adore with all my heart and that moment, serenity and quietness in a hot afternoon.

It was easy to imagine how life would be like 10 years from then. I'd imagine being right there at the balcony looking over my little haven in Tawau. It won't feel like somewhere I would dread being at or somewhere I'm wholeheartedly unsatisfied with. I'd dream of my next trip to Kuala Lumpur and how this time it would probably be permanent for my studies. But I'd think of my home and how I'd always have Tawau wherever I end up being at.

I imagine the 20 year old me to be gathered, in thoughts and poised, in movements. I'd have impeccable sense of style, I'd lose my glasses by now and I would not be mistaken for a high school kid anymore. I'd imagine I was taller and thinner with a fulfilled teen life that would lead me to my second decade of living with ease and security. I'd imagine myself with a boy, no, a man, who would protect me, spend time with me and love me just like in those fairytales minus the long flowing dresses and the damsel in distress scenarios. I'd imagine myself to be independent, living on my own and making my own decisions. I'd imagine that by then I would be able to cook, not well, but acceptable enough to survive. I'd imagine having a circle of friends who would constantly keep my occupied and happy, no matter how horrid a day could be going. I'd imagine myself without my quirks, the fear of dark places, the fear of butterflies, the fear of any moving thing apart from humans. I'd foresee 20 year old me to be a master of her own emotions, who would not crumble when something or someone hurts her and be strong enough to hold her head up high in any crisis.

But who are we to fight with kismet?
10 year old me didn't foresee all the obstacles I surged through, all the emotions that plagued my thoughts. 10 year old me certainly did not foresee 20 year old me currently feeling the familiar ache of being lonely and understanding absolutely nothing about life.

How much can we say we could predict our future?
Is the road we're heading down on always going to be certain or in 10 years I would not be recognizable anymore?
I wonder if 30 year old me will remember my childhood, that fateful day when I sat by the balcony and conjured up an image of the grown up me. I wonder if she would be the person I think she would be right in this moment.

I wonder if I will ever get it all.
& if 10 years from now, I would be half the person I imagined myself to be by the time I hit 20, I think its comforting to know that the little girl on the balcony would be happy. Because, gosh, the shyt we went through, I think we deserve at least half of a happy ending.

Prayer.

2012-01-03T09:17:00.000+08:00

Its three days into 2012 and nothing feels different at all.

No self-confidence boosted, no less sadder and no more happier. I guess a new years is just a mark of passing time, growing up and paving your way in this continuously windy road called life.
I guess I make a big deal about the new year because it always often represents a time quite remarkable. Its a move from being one age to the other, one generation to another, one whole year of memories to another new year of fresh memories. I begin every new year with a few resolutions made, whether its published in my blog or silent ones I make before I go to sleep.

This year, I prayed.
I prayed silently for all the things I hope to be at the end of this year. I pray for the health of my family and my friends. I prayed for love, for a new hope admist my confusing, conflicting thoughts in my current state. I prayed for him, that he would be eternally happy and he would get into the best universities. I prayed for hope, to continue believing even though every part of my body is exhausted from missing.

I prayed that the remnants of my broken heart will repair itself soon.
That 2012 will not be spent in vain but in hope for the rest of my life.

Happy 2012 everyone.
Lets see what this year would bring.

The End.

2011-12-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

This is the end of the chapter of you and I.

This is the extent to which I can hurt anymore because of you. This is the end of the hope I place on you. It ends right here, right now, with this post.

16 months of you and I.

It was really something. We made a great couple, heck, we even look alike sometimes. And the first few months, the chase, the coy messages and the date plans. The fact that you would willingly watch Eclipse with me even though I know that you hate it with all your guts. The little things you do, like going to college early just to deliver Starbucks before my Law class or buying me a cake to sustain my tummy through Math; it was just the start and the exhilaration of first falling in love. Then the days flourished to months and it was equally heavenly. It was the time when the both of us were still getting to know each other, getting to understand our little quirks, our interests, our common ground with each other. It was the time when each upcoming date was exciting and well planned, every outfit was important, every presentation of myself and yours were especially to the other person. It was when we still surprised each other, whether it is with big or small gestures and things we find out about each other. It was the time when every touch was monumental, every hug felt everlasting. It was the time when saying 'I love you' was not an obligation, it was something that we both felt so strongly and so real.

It was the time for well structured promises that inevitably lost its meaning at the end.

It was the time that time spent was not calculated, but felt.

It was the time that everything was so incredibly perfect, that you just know something shitty is going to happen and that will just spell the end.

I guess I saw it coming. I saw it coming like the lightning before thunder. I saw it coming like a dreaded wave that would never bring any relief.

Suddenly things changed. They were not the same. And oh it scared me so damn much. I told you, I get scared and paranoid so easily. They don't only extend to my own general quirkiness but it includes my intuitions with these feelings. Suddenly, timing was a battle I constantly had to fight, your attention starts slipping and I just slowly lose you.

It went from long, beautiful text messages to short, brief, non-communcative ones.

It went from great conversations about every single thing on our mind to nothing at all.

It went from meticulously planned out dates to routine, tiresome ones for you.

It went from love to obligation.

And all that while I was fighting my feelings. Fighting everything that feels wrong and focusing on the right ones. And I wanted so hard to believe that things could work out, that no matter how many times we fight or we break up, that eventually we'd fall back together just the way we started out.

I guess it was all a delusion.

And the feeling right now, of unrequited love is the worst and most painful feeling in the world. Because all I can think about is you. All I am reminded of is you. Places and things set me off so easily into a memory of us together. And I'm just thinking how strange that 16 months carried that much of memories. 16 months carried a mixture of feelings and emotions that cannot seemingly be contained in one single being. I don't know how to do the things I used to like to do when so many of them are suddenly associated to one person I spent 16 months loving.

I wish to start moving on.

I wish to keep pushing forward and finding love again. But its so difficult to leave these feelings behind when just seeing your name has the biggest impact on me. And I am so crazy annoyed at myself for not being able to not be affected when you're clearly not. While you're having what I presume is the time of your life, I'm just suspended in the air, my emotions swaying like the wind.

But I understand how it would be easier for you. You don't feel the way you used to. At least you're halfway there already.

I am so tired.

So crazy tired.

My tear ducts are tired.

My heart is tired.

Even my brain is tired.

So here's my first new year resolution;

Get over you.

With this post, I vow to end my need for self pity over a break up. Its not the end of the world; life goes on. There is so much for me out there, even though my future used to comprise of you. So no more whining about love lost, no more wondering what you're doing, no more hoping. No more 'break' until the foreseeable future, no more thinking about movie dates that never came into fruition. No more hoping for you to turn up at my door. No more expectations.

And to the question of us being friends?

I really wish I could, but I just physically can't. Definitely not for now. Questionable for the future.

Thank you for the 16 months.

You will always have a piece of my heart.

Letter.

2011-12-24T16:52:00.004+08:00

Dear Bernice,

I think you've hoped enough.
Get your act together and stop pining.
You've gotten over boys before, you've lost love before, you can get through this.
Your life is not defined by a person, or by how much he still cares or how much he may still love you.
Its not defined by someone who has moved on and went way ahead of you while you're still walking in a cascade of mess.
Why the hell you gotta make yourself sad when its so clear that there's someone out there that'll make you happier? That won't break your stupid heart that is so hopeless sometimes, I wish you would just wrench it out and leave it on a street.

Please stop now.
Its Christmas Eve for crying out loud.

Sincerely,
Your extremely exhausted tear ducts.

Timing.

2011-12-20T18:39:00.003+08:00

its all about timing.
timing in its most inexplicable form.
the right time to say something. the right time to not.
the right time to cry. the right time to smile.
the right time to comprehend. the right time to forget.
the right time for things to happen. the right time for it to just not.

the right time to finally admit to yourself that its over. the right time to say you're fine with it now. the right time to hold your head up high and keep moving on. the right time to beg for change, to want to hurt your body, to want to fight like hell. there is a right time to move on. the right time to stay behind.

the right time to confess.
the right time to find a package siting on your bed.

there is a right time for every and anything. and the right time could also be the wrong time.

There's truth in life, tricks in your feelings
Promise is poison, as if its one that you can't keep
The power in the pain, is that it stains like a memory
I'm still learning how to feel at all
Since you left me.

; How Many Hearts, Jason Reeves.

Waking Life.

2011-12-19T17:20:00.002+08:00

There are many words I've struggled to align in sentences to express how I feel.
Disjointed words, words that bear no semblance to my current thoughts and feelings, heartbreaking words. But I guess thats how I'm feeling right now; one moment I'm up in the sky, happy beyond all comprehension and the next I'm on the ground again, tears streaming down my face and feeling lost, lost without you.

I wish this roller coaster emotions will stop. I guess I can't expect much from the time that has elapsed since we were together, a week feels like a year of not talking to you. I finally understand how it feels like to have unrequited love. Not balanced by the other, I'm just dangling on my feet right now, waiting for the right moment to let go into the darkness.

I wish I had a more eloquent way of saying things.
Not the simple words like;
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
& I hate you.

Now I'm just wishing this year will end. Its been quite a year. But I think I'm quite finished with it.

2011-12-12T15:44:00.001+08:00

I guess every love has an expiration date.

Hush Now.

2011-12-04T19:58:00.001+08:00

I can see you both hurting.
Everyday is a constant battle.

I read your statuses and I worry like hell. I read your blog posts and the emotions pierce through me as though I was going through it myself. I see the things that are going on right now for you and I feel so helpless to save you. I know you may think I do not understand what you are going through right now, but I do. I know how it feels to lose someone that matters so much. I know how it feels like to wake up everyday, feeling like a part of you is just missing. I know how crazy pent up emotions can drive you insane. I know that feeling like death could be the only option; that I just want to end all the suffering and just stop feeling.

I know that things are really bad for you now. I know that nothing I can say can particularly make you happy; but I hope you would reach out for me and let me at least try to help. Its difficult for me to see you keep these feelings inside and refusing to face all the heartache you're feeling. And I definitely do not want you to keep it inside you too long; I do not want to see you self-combust.

I want you to know that you have so much to live for in this world. There is so many beautiful and magnificent things that are awaiting you. I want you to know that you deserve someone who would love you to the ends of the Earth. I want you to know that people are counting on you to survive in life. That people are relying on you to believe in their future. That despite how shitty things are now, they will get better.

But you've got to walk away now. You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've got to stop having suicidal thoughts, stop letting yourself lose your heart, your faith. You've got to let go, let go of the icy grip he has you straddling on. You've got to stop crying to him and start relying on people who will always be here for you.

My dear Bestie, you know I love you.
So, please, do not have these thoughts anymore because they are scaring the shit out of me.
You will survive this. You will.
Because you are so much more than that boy.

It is amazing how one person, one inconsequential person to others, could be one girl's entire world.

Human.

2011-11-28T08:53:00.001+08:00

There is a steady flow of quiet. Its the sort of quiet that you feel when the whole world pauses for a moment, the lights around you dim, the spotlight falls and there's no sound at all. The pin drop silence is only interrupted by your noiseless breathing, your chest rising and falling rhythmically and the sound of your heartbeat against your eardrums. Your thoughts become amplified, every trickle of memories rewinding in your head like those really old tape recorders. The whirring hubbub of your reverie allows you to submit to the moment, take a deep breath and disappear into your musings.

It didn't matter that you're in the train in the middle of the city. It didn't matter that a little boy was crying and struggling in his mother's grasp. It didn't matter that the busy city traffic was proportionally louder with the impatient honking and angry cries of frustration. It didn't matter that the train was packed and everyone was squashed against you.

In my quiet reverie, I've learned that feelings are what keeps me human. That if I had the ability to shut off my mind and stop feeling too much, I would in a heartbeat. That the very fact that I always feel too much, fall too hard and land never with two feet on the ground but sprawled on the sidewalk like a lost child; it was unacceptable. My often flaky convictions are swayed with these thoughts that engulf me in the most busiest moments of my life. No matter where I am, who I am with, I feel it in my bones; the sadness, the melancholy that I allow myself to feel about everything in my life.

So, it has come to this. I want to be a robot. I want to be a master of my own feelings. I want to be able to dispense advice for the most emotional situation but feel absolutely nothing at all for my own. I want to excel in my life without the swaying of my convictions and losing my feet on the ground. I want to be able to stand in a busy train and not think about anything, not feel tears in my eyes, not listen to the sound resonating in my thoughts that always invariably send me into a state of feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

But I am human. Too human.

Little Prince.

2011-11-14T16:32:00.001+08:00

'One day, I watched the sun setting forty-four times,' you told me. And a little later, you added: 'You know... when one is so terribly sad, one loves sunsets...'

'The day you watched those forty-four sunsets, were you that sad?' I asked.

But the little prince made no reply.

;The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

A Rant.

2011-11-11T23:40:00.001+08:00

I've never been much of a self help book kind of person.

I guess that first statement is sort of warning to all of you who may be self help books readers, I really do not believe in them. The closest I've gotten to reading one is the Chicken Soup for the Soul series (which was all the rage at one point) and I guess any book by Mitch Albom. And even with the Chicken Soup series I read each story with no self actualization, it was more of a glance here and there, acknowledgement and I close the book and it gathers dust in the corner.

I don't believe that self help books will help you get through a difficult period of your life. Reading about other people's perception on your problem and trusting them to guide you through that point of your life, I think thats too much to leave to a book. Might seem strange coming from someone like me who reads rather religiously, but I just have a particular aversion with the self help genre. It makes me wonder how people can manage their finances or become a millionaire through reading. Then we have books on relationships and ohmygosh, they are just countless. A section of books in Borders is dedicated to relationships, whether its family, love, divorce, intimacy. You have books teaching you how and where to find 'the one', bestsellers teaching you to read signals and interpret your lovers signs, books on if you should contemplate divorce. I mean, if you are getting the book, it pretty much sums up what is to become of your marriage isn't it?

When have people become dependent on other people telling them what to do as opposed to going out and experiencing all these for yourself? People who write these books, whether they are experts in the 'field' and have extensive statistics that will show how incredibly right they are just cannot predict with absolute certainty how your life is going to turn out. Statistics is all they have. Statistics on HUMAN EMOTIONS, out of all things. They are the frailest, most complicating study that could never be conclusively spelt out.

I'm all for experiencing, for going through the shitty parts with your head held high, with feeling until every bone in your body is aching before it starts getting better.

I really do apologize for my onslaught on self help books, I mean really, no offence to anyone who do read them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you can read so much, you can know so much, but when something hits you right between the eyes, all you can do is react. At that point you don't remember anything you read. You just remember that you followed your heart and held on to your convictions, irrespective of things you were led to believe in.

You can prepare for a change all you want, you can try your hardest to read about easing your pain;

but in the end, its only you. Only you can make yourself move on.

Let There Be Love.

2011-11-06T10:55:00.002+08:00

I remember wondering why people call the things they want to do before they die the "Bucket List". On finding out that its called the Bucket List because kicking the bucket means approaching the time of death, I was rather surprised. How does kicking a bucket even sound like a metaphor for death. It makes death sounds so trivial, like how kicking a bucket is so easy to do, like the flap of a butterflies wings.

In my 19 years of living, death is not something that surprises me anymore. I cannot pinpoint the exact time and moment when I learned what death is, but I would guess that it was not all too startling too. Its simply inevitable, kicking the bucket. Trivialising death is probably wise or everyone will be living in constant fear of it. I cannot say that I will be brave in the face of the end, but I feel assured that somewhere out there, at the end of my life, it would be beautiful and everything will make sense.

Okay, so I didn't mean to come here and talk about death, which is a very morbid topic to start the day off x) Recovering from a week of pain is exhausting (I don't mean emotional pain, more like intense physical one) and I'm actually still the midst of it. While Tumblr-ing, I just realised that I have yet to construct my very own bucket list! I did make a "Things to do before I hit 30" list with my friends from high school, but never a proper bucket list.

So, these are just some of the things I want to do before I die, or kick the bucket; so they say.

1. Marry the boy of my dreams in beautiful ceremony; it does not really matter where, just a really pretty one somewhere outdoor with a lot of pink roses :) And this goes without saying, (but I guess its better to not leave anything unsaid), have a beautiful, everlasting marriage with a love that transcends death; just like in those fairytales.

2. Visit the countries I've always dreamed of going. This include the whole of Europe, America specifically Greece (Mamma Mia! :D), Paris, London, Hollywood, Hawaii, Austria (Spring Waltz :P), Rome and the list goes on.

3. Try at least 10 of the extreme sports listed here. Bungee jumping is a definite!

4. Climb a mountain. Does not matter if its Mount KK or any other mountain out of this country (though I should probably start with Mount KK)

5. Meet Jason Reeves. :D

6. Live out of the rest of my life anywhere else but Malaysia. I'd like to say stay in a cottage or by the beach but they seem to be not ideal in reality; but I'd love to try hoping :)

7. Write and publish a bestselling novel.

8. Go on an impulsive road trip!

9. Experience snow; the hot chocolate by the heater, snow angels, snow ball fights!

10. Make my parents proud during my graduation day. Wherever it may be and however my results turn out to be.

11. Have two beautiful bouncing babies. And if one of them is a girl, be that little girl's best friend :)

12. Work at Starbucks at least once in my life.

13. Take a picture of myself having Starbucks in every country I visit in the future.

14. Have the guts to go skinny dipping.

15. Earn enough to be able to go on a budget less shopping spree. Like all the time :D

16. Visit Disney Land :) and go on all the roller coasters in the world.

17. Watch Rent live in Broadway.

18. Find something to believe in. A place that I could feel like I truly belong with a group of people who believe in me.

19. Read all the books in this list.

20. When its times to kick the bucket, die peacefully and without regrets.

I hope the weather is calm as you sail up your heavenly stream
Suspended clear in the sky are the words that we sing in our dreams
Let there be love, let there be love
Let there be love, let there be love.

; Oasis, Let There Be Love

Adjectives.

2011-10-24T11:30:00.003+08:00

Someone once told me that I was the strongest girl he's ever known. I may not be the prettiest nor am I the tallest, but he said I was always 'strong'.

I find it strange that someone would think me strong. I am anything but strong. I cannot carry anything heavy without complaining excessively. There is nowhere in my physique that suggests I am able to support large loads. I cringe at all types of insects, I am crazy afraid of everything. I am the most paranoid person on planet Earth. Horror movies freak me out, heck, I can still remember a horror movie I watched when I was 5 years old and it still keeps my up at night. I hate pushing myself to do things I do not like. I suck at sports, apart from swimming. I like the idea of outdoorsy activities like hiking and kayaking but I suck at it too because I'm just too darn weak to form a proper resistance against my frail self.

Which is why the thought that I may be strong has never crossed my mind. Its peculiar that strong would be one of the adjectives used to describe me when there are women and girls who could lift cars and pounce on people.

Then I think of the other meaning of strong. Maybe it means I'm strong emotionally. Sort of like the block that holds all the emotions together.

I think thats really wrong too. I am the most emotional person. Every little thing could induce a cry fest and my thoughts are constantly scattered. I do not have it all together, in fact most of the time I just crumble at any conflict, unable to articulate just exactly how I feel. I am constantly scared, rarely protective of my heart and I make the stupidest emotional decisions.

Sometimes I wonder if there are any accurate adjectives to describe myself. People have said that I'm bubbly. Perhaps I am but my blog seems to suggest otherwise. And my bubbliness has this limit, when surpassed I am just this empty shell of emotional havoc. Some have said I'm a chili padi. A small person with a loud and commanding voice, a leader who knew her stuff. I don't really don't think so. I never thought of myself as a good leader, in fact most the time I let people down. What could have been amazing is always sidestepped by my inherent inability to be productive and commanding enough.

Some have said I'm bossy. Well I relate to some extent I really am. But I let people push me around so I don't think I am really that bossy. A person who is bossy stands up for themselves, I just sway along with the crowd.

Then I wonder why is there a need to have an adjective. So that you can tell others with utter conviction who exactly you are? Have we lost all the surprise by getting to know a person then allocating an adjective for them? In the end, when we're dead, how would you liked to be remembered by other people; as bossy and bubbly?

Still, I wish there was an accurate adjective to describe myself.

Maybe self-pity. Yes, that might do.

Love's Delusion.

2011-10-22T14:41:00.003+08:00

Are we all just a victim of love's delusion?

This is a story of boy meets girl.

A story of A and B, no specific names, no personal details, just a fictional story that could be based on a true story of which it is purely unintentional.

A was introduced to B in the park by their mutual friend. It was nerve wrecking for A seeing as she took hours to get ready, sprucing herself to the point that she looks acceptable or even beautiful. She kept her hopes low, thinking that her friend G, may have over exaggerated this perfect stranger who is not only a working man with a large salary but apparently a good kisser. She went into this blind date fully expecting to be disappointed. Its been years, the endless struggle of finding the one has been tiring and brain numbing. The men she has met down the road were never worthwhile. They passed in and out of her life like leaves in the fall. She is ready to be there, out there again. She wants to find the man she will marry.

B is a stoke broker, a powerful wall street suit wearing guy. He earned a 6 figure salary, has a winning smile and yes, he is a good kisser. A and B met as the leaves were falling in autumn. And it was like the stars lined up for this happy couple. Their first date was spent getting to know each other, laughing hysterically at not-so-funny jokes, secret glances as they strolled side by side and the accidental touches that tingled and lingered on their skin. A was convinced, he is the one. She has finally found him.

It did not take long for him to figure that out as well. Within a month, they were in a perfect monogamous relationship. They were inseparable, doing everything together and looking as lovestruck as they did the very first time they met. The months go by and before long they settle into a comfortable relationship based on mutual trust and love.

A year into the relationship, they knew they were made for each other. He got down on one knee in an elaborate dinner at their favorite seafood restaurant located by the shore. She was surprised but so happy and did not hesitate as they fell into each others arms. Their wedding was beautiful, white everywhere, red roses streaming the cathedral and everyone they care for beaming proudly as they walked down the aisle, hand in hand.

They were blessed with a beautiful bouncing baby boy within a year of their marriage and a gorgeous daughter two years later. Years pass by and they acclimated to their marriage, between caring for their son and their daughter, to household expenditures and events. They seemed like the ideal couple, complimenting one another and are the perfect parents to their children.

But inevitably, the feeling of love starts losing its meaning. What sustained their relationship was empty conversations about their children, about money, about education. They argue over little things, they nag each other incessantly and everything they used to love about each other is tossed aside. They forgot to hear each other's needs. The bed turns cold, the conversations are sour. They yell in front of their children and don't know that they are so scared. But that is what is maintaining their relationship. Its no longer a question of love, or growing old together. Its about all the little things that irritate the hell out of each other and the constant stream of worries that torments them. It becomes an obligation to stay together, saying I love you without meaning it, forgetting the reason they fell in love in the first place.

So I'm asking the question again, are we all in love's delusion?

Is the inevitable going to happen, that eventually all relationships and marriages will turn sour no matter how strong they started?

Doesn't that just make you sad?

That when you ask a married person and you tell them this story, they will agree. Some may even laugh. They would say, well you're naive in thinking that love is all that matters.

I'm afraid of the state of this world.

The constant chasing of money and wealth has deceived everyone.

I wish we could all just fall in love and always remember why you love.

Call me naive;

But I believe that love is meant to last forever.

So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

; Gavin DeGraw, Follow Through

Carry On.

2011-10-21T12:08:00.002+08:00

I think I've just lost the knack for writing. It used to be the first thing I would turn to, words, to articulate every feeling and thoughts. To give them meaning, so to speak. To understand myself without the feeling of being engulfed into a sea of utter confusion. I like that words put it plainly for everyone to see, that they may be mostly ambiguous but still manage to enthrall and how they could be so clear and concise yet so confusing at the same time. I used to think that words and I have a way of joining together; like how you would describe two peas in a pod or honey and sweet.

But the years have hardened the words. What used to be easy to me becomes a little harder to articulate day in and day out. I think my thoughts are overpowering the words I want to say, making each sentence a hassle to write because all I can think is how wrong or how silly it will sound. Writing becomes a chore instead of a hobby. And I'm just sad to see it go, its like losing my best friend in the world.

For the person who has big dreams of making a living out of writing, I've reached a new low with my failure to write religiously. I guess its just something I've grown out of, sort of like how I used to say I want to be a doctor when virtually everything scared me. Now I say I want to be a journalist when my creative juice has run dry and words do not come as easily anymore.

So what do I want to be now?

There's something funny about fate.

It supposedly places you at the right moment at the right time even when everything is going wrong. I'd like to surrender everything to fate but I know thats just taking the easy way out. Our lives are defined by the little things we see everyday and how they affect us. I am a victim of meandering thoughts that connect invariably to each other but do not formulate a very concrete plan. I am fickle, often confused and people underestimate me because I never seem to have it all together. But this strong belief in fate, I guess, has often landed me in where I'm supposed to be and where I should belong.

I want to be able to write again so this is my effort in doing so.

Putting fingers to keyboard, pronouncing my every thought will be my aim every single day now. And hopefully fate will set me back on course.

So here's to a more hardworking me and hopefully a much livelier blog :)

Which would mostly be me talking to myself incessantly figuring out what exactly it is that I want. Please do bear with me, I'm just a little girl trying to find my place in this world :)

Some days I feel like crying,
Don't matter if its rain or shine.
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times.

Some days I wake up dreaming,
Feels like I never even woke.
I answer life's big questions
As if its one big joke.

; Jeremy Kay, Have It All.

Fearful.

2011-10-02T22:53:00.003+08:00

I am scared.

Of almost every single thing in this world.

Whether its people or places.

A change in weather or time.

I am always scared, in my paralyzed state.

I am afraid of hearts changing.

Afraid for my heart.

Fearful that I will be ignored again, tossed aside again.

Trust is such a fragile issue.

& all I want is for you to tell me everything will be okay.

Because you know how easily I get scared.

2011-10-01T11:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.

Clarity.

2011-09-28T11:47:00.002+08:00

A few times in my life I've had moments of absolutely clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise, and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.

- Christopher Isherwood in A Single Man

There are unexplained wonders in the world. How we come into being. How colors came to exist. How people came to understand people. How the sea, the oxygen we breathe, the sky surrounds us, how all of that came to be on planet Earth. How incoherent alphabets when strung together makes a word. How feelings either too little or too much has a powerful effect on human beings.

There is a clarity in not being able to understand all of this. Ironic, it may seem, but not knowing where everything comes from is something of a comfort to me. Some things go unexplained so that there is always that element of mystery in life, or magical miracles. Why rectify every single thought, analyze every single feeling when these things can only serve to mitigate your sense of belief.

There are unexplained feelings in all of us. It drives us to do things that are out of the ordinary, or even going against the conventions set by society. But in that moment, it is a form of clarity that we can be sure, even as we going against every single principle laid down by humans, there will be inexplicable miracles waiting at the end of the line. Whether it is Heaven or Hell. Whether it is redemption or resurrection. Our feelings make us believe that there is something beautiful waiting for us at the end of the day.

Whether it is one phone call after two days of inexorable pain. Or one heartbroken cry of apology. Whether it is a simple quote, you don't know what you got till its gone.

And in that moment, its clarity. Clarity in all the unfathomable feelings. Clarity in my head that I will always forgive.

But how will I know you won't break my heart again?

All Of You.

2011-09-03T10:08:00.003+08:00

The right words are always there, bubbling underneath the surface.

There comes a point when the right words won't save the wrong situation. Its like a coin toss, it could go in your favour or you could lose everything you ever wanted. On some level people always get the coin toss wrong, they always think of the bad before they could analyse the good. Every choice is riddled with your own set of obstacles and yes, the bad.

Its all about making the most of it. If you don't fight hard for it, it won't come into fruition. If you decide to give up every time you start, if you lost the coin toss and you think life as you know it is ending, then that is where life is heading for you. For something to work out, you have to really believe in it. To understand in your deep heart's core that you want it and you don't care who the hell stands in your way because you're gonna get it. On some level, we always get what we want, if we fight damn hard for it.

So here I am fighting, I am fighting my darnest for you. And it gets exhausting sometimes, exasperating even and I may spend my nights crying, but its worth the fight. So please fight for me too. In this coin toss, I don't care if it goes in my favour or not. It does not matter as long as you're right beside me.

And one day the right words won't matter anymore.

You.

2011-07-05T19:05:00.004+08:00

Under the beautiful blue sky, someone whispered I love you to me.

Under a blanket of twinkling stars, with the sound of the traffic rushing past us and a soft drizzle falling like snow, someone kissed me under my polka dotted umbrella.

In a quiet park as we strolled by the setting sun, someone bent down offering me a piggyback ride. And as I shrieked for him to let me down, he ran as fast as he could and bounced me with each step while laughter filled my eyes.

By the beach with the waves crashing to the shore, someone sat down and pulled me down beside him. He smiled his cheeky smile and held me close as the sun sets on the horizon emitting a pinkish glow that emanated all my thoughts at the exact moment.

In the porch overlooking the swimming pool, as the rain falls silently, someone lighted candles with me and danced with me under the moonlight.

170m above land, someone willingly camwhored with me with the city as our backdrop.

Someone is you :)

2011-06-29T15:54:00.001+08:00

So, why cry?

When the person on the other side isn't.

Acts of Love.

2011-06-28T22:14:00.003+08:00

It was yet another tiring day. Exams were wearing me out and I felt stretched thin, tired to think, tired to feel. My body swayed a little on the train as I pulled out my Harry Potter book and settled myself in a corner to read it. I felt myself being pulled into the world of wizardry and witchcraft, of hallucinations and predictions. The train ran through a bump and I was abruptly pulled out of the world. Unable to concentrate on account to my swaying and the loud announcements that boomed every few minutes, I closed the book and took to people studying. There were all kinds of people in the train, whether it was businessmen or women, long distance travelers, couples on a date and children running around while their parents tried to restrain them.

One particular child and mother caught my eye. The child was obedient, sitting on a large luggage bag while his mother absentmindedly stroked his hair. He was dressed smartly, a green shirt with a paler green collar, his combed hair flat on his head, his jeans properly fitted along with white sports shoes. He was staring at his shoes, occasionally kicking the air quietly. As the train swayed dangerously for a moment, he held his mothers hands. She released the pole she was holding onto and placed them on his shoulder to hold him steady. He looked up innocently at his mother and placed the hand he was holding onto the pole again. She broke into a wide smile as he placidly returned to staring at his shoes.

Witnessing this entire scene, my exhaustion flitted from my mind. A warmth replaced it as I smiled at his mother and felt her elation.

How can anyone not believe in love?

Lama dame de fer.

2011-06-28T21:47:00.002+08:00

One day I'd find myself wondering down Champ de Mars. I'd walk down the cobbled streets, wander along the many tourists ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the Eiffel Tower and make my way slowly through the crowd, a lone traveler. I'd be the person holding a camera bigger than my hands, with a look of girlish excitement, as I take in everything about the place I've always wanted to see. I would be the typical traveler in a beret, a pink coat and a book in my bag wondering the streets of Paris. With every step, I would feel the cold air against my cheeks, the sun shines but I don't feel it and children would run along, as excited as I will be. As the Tower come into full view, my heart beats faster and suddenly I would break out into a run. Closer and closer, I would feel exhilarated tearing through the park, watching people part ways for the tiny girl running at top speed, her camera swinging uncontrollably from her neck, her hand holding down the beret, a happiness so contagious emanating from her features. Reaching the tower, I will look up, take a deep breath and smile so widely, I would literally be grinning ear to ear.

As I took in the Eiffel Tower, the Lama dame de fer, I would feel a short tap on the shoulder. Still grinning, I would turn and see him. He'd smile at my excitement and embraced me tightly.

And everything, everything, would be exactly as I envisioned it to be.

Dreams really will come true :)

2011-06-06T21:51:00.000+08:00

you can't ignore someone you love with all your heart.

2011-06-06T19:28:00.001+08:00

Am I the only one who is trying here?

Jason Reeves.

2011-05-29T08:49:00.003+08:00

Pivotal!

JASON REEVES, my one indie singer songwriter obsession REPLIED ME on twitter! :D

SERIOUSLY, JASON REEVES ROCKS MY WORLD :DDD

and HIS ALBUM is coming out this summer! AHHHHH :DD

I love twitter, I really do :D

Wait.

2011-05-28T11:57:00.000+08:00

CAROLYN: So...what are you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it, and then you got to be okay with that, or you got to be okay with waiting.

LORELAI: I could lose him if I push too hard.

CAROLYN: You don't really seem to have him now, at least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. And if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were.

-Gilmore Girls

One of the many reasons why I love Gilmore Girls.

Decisions.

2011-05-28T09:46:00.002+08:00

Today, you can decide;

if you want to be happy or you want to be sad.

Turning Tables.

2011-05-27T13:54:00.004+08:00

Every attempt seems futile.

Its dangling on a rope, taunting you. Suspended way ahead of you and all you want to do is reach out and touch it but instead of you fall over the edge and land headfirst into a pool of your forgotten dreams, your endless hopes and places, things, events that were never meant to be. All of you want is the taste of it, to be able to say I did it, I made it, I am here and this is exactly how I envisioned it to be.

Instead, you lay there forgotten. Reality comes tumbling down burying you, and as you struggle to breathe, you survey the carnage and feel like life is never that rosy cheeked, inspired blue skies, rainbow coloured, candy coated world. It is the worst feeling to know that you are so far from your dreams and no matter how fast you run towards them, they would never get any nearer to you.

There comes a point when everyone would give up. They say you should never give up, you should continuously persevere through all the obstacles presented to you in life. Sometimes it is easily said than done. My streak of good luck and optimism ended with my first rejection. My confidence shattered, it was something small and I knew I wasn't going to get it anyway but it felt like a bullet straight through my heart. And the streak of bad luck just continued. More rejections piled in slowly and each of them hit as hard as the first.

So there came a point when I said, to hell with all of this. What is the point of dreams? What is the point of piling so much hope on a single subject matter, revolving your entire life to being the person people expect you to be just to fall flat in your face every morning.

I've learned that dreams are not about hard work like they always said. Its about good luck. Its about being at the right place at the right time. Its about being singled out by crowd by pure luck. I've learned that there is no such thing as hard work pays off because I work so hard and it never pays off. I have heard of many great stories. People achieving those unbelievable things and I feel hopeful that it may someday happen to me.

But its like dangling something in midair.

You have to fall over and over again.

Until one day you reach out and its just there.

Reality is a cruel cruel place.

Growing Up.

2011-05-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

College life is coming to an end.

And its just like high school all over again, where I just got used to the idea of it and suddenly its taken away from me just like that. A person like me, laden constantly with insecurities am prone to react strongly towards any change in life. And these are the big ones. The college life, the university life, the people you meet, the bonds you make and the path laid out in front of you.

I don't like how these phases end as soon as you step out of your comfort zone and into a new phase. Its the things we say before that, promises made like "We'll be friends forever!", "We'll always keep in touch!" that gives me hope. And yet these promises are just that, bare promises made with no certainty that it will hold true. People are like that, we move on. We try, no doubt we do, but eventually we'd go our own way, towards our own destiny, and all of this will only be memories. Faded pictures, faces you can't barely remember, laughters and heartaches that may or may not remain with you.

In this constant state of change, its always good to remind yourself about the good things before you forget. So here I am to reminisce about the good things that college has brought me, through this crazy one a half years :)

The good things;

meeting my college mates, the craziest, liveliest, most insane bunch in the whole wide world :)

lunch spots around college, from Pan Mee at Heng Ann to YMCA (where it will invariably lead to the conversation doing a YMCA flashmob, or the recitation of 'YOUNG MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!") to Mayflower to Sentral BUBBLE TEAS!

the crazy outings, from movies to two sunway trips to endless karaoke belt outs (BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY HOYEAHH!) and not forgetting our superawesome PORT DICKSON trip :D

the conversations, ranging from the future to the family to the dirty ;) to the plain girl talks that are never discussed in hush-hush tones but rather too loudly x)

OUR LAUGHTER. ESPECIALLY A CERTAIN REBECCA CHAN SEE CHING :P laughs that can be heard from miles away, every single day!

the lessons, though not always enjoyable are always enlightening and sometimes truly hilarious!

bubble tea addictions!

walks to Sentral and me constantly complaining about the KTM :D and Hui Ee and Nick constantly complaining about my slow walking :D

our Hamlet play! :D and the highlight of that which was of course Nick's "memorreehh" and the owh-so-dramatic Eric Cheng!

All those college events we attended, Orientation Camp (leech bites, yuck!), Orientation Ball (DANCE the night away!), McRave (most memorable; our loud complaints about needing food!) and today's Suit Up Day which was so awesome :D

meeting a certain someone who has changed my life altogether :) the boy who changed my perception on love and who would always be absolutely everything to me.

the weird expressions we make when we take pictures :P

and so many other memories which I'll just keep adding when I remember x)

I love you MCKL, despite my naggings and bad mouthing, I do.

And you'll be a part of the little pieces that'll make up my future.

I don't wanna grow up.

2011-03-19T00:49:00.002+08:00

it comes in rhythmic bursts.

one wave of emotion on top of another.

one sob after another.

one piece of my heart breaking after another.

one person on my mind.

this love is all I have to give.

2011-03-19T00:36:00.001+08:00

please don't leave me.

please don't leave me here.

2011-03-13T10:09:00.002+08:00

& I'll wait for the days when you decide to miss me.

I Need.

2011-03-09T18:46:00.003+08:00

Its all unfathomable to me.

I need to remember the good days more than the bad days.

And I need to remember to fight because its that hardest thing to do but the most necessary.

I need to suck in my breath and stop crying now because its stupid to cry.

I need.

Ripple.

2011-03-05T22:08:00.003+08:00

You have this effect on me.

Everything you do, everything you don't do.

Every feeling, every expression.

It affects me.

Happiness.

2011-03-05T09:25:00.003+08:00

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

I've learned that I need to be happy.

Its no longer a novelty, being happy. Because when I allow myself to be sad, the tears just come and overpowers my every thought and feelings. I'll feel so deeply, hurt so deeply, cry until I get a headache and just lie there, completely motionless feeling like the life has been sucked dry out of me.

I've learned that being happy helps.

That when I allow myself to feel only happy, I'll learn to question less. To have pure unadulterated fun. To keep myself constantly on my toes, or constantly out there to make people happy. Because nothing's worst than being the party pooper, to frown when the whole world is smiling. So I make myself happy. I surround myself with every possible happy thing. Pink, polka dots, flowers, unicorns, make believes, fairytale, imagination and helium balloon.

I grew up with this two extreme type syndrome. If you could call it a syndrome, but it does make it sound far more serious than I intend it to be. There is the extreme happiness that people mostly see as I bumble along life with my loud voice and my bouncy attitude. Then there is the extreme sadness when its like clouds are literally following me as I survive the day. Words become heavier, that happiness is gone at least for a day.

I've learned that being happy for people is easy to summon out.

Even when it feels like nothing is going well for yourself. You learn to be happy for people because it is what is expected of you. And sometimes its hard, and sometimes it makes me a terrible person, but pretending is the best thing someone can do.

I've learned that being truly happy is not that difficult.

Sometimes its about allowing myself to be happy. Its about understanding that there is an extend to which you can force yourself to be happy.

I've learned that a hilarious joke can keep me laughing until tears streams down my eyes.

I've learned that books with a sense of humour can induce a chuckle or an incredulous sigh with a smile.

I've learned that people keep me going. They would make me smile with just one smile, funny face or a weird statement that just throws me off and makes me giggle.

I've learned that my family may be at times incredibly judgmental, but just one little act of love will keep me smiling the whole day.

I've learned that it takes one boy, one gesture whether a smile, a smirk, a kiss, a touch to cause me to smile to the point of blushing.

I've learned that with every happiness, there will be inevitable sadness.

So I wait, for the sadness to pass me by. Maybe tomorrow, there will be happiness beyond my belief.

Blue Monday.

2011-02-21T20:33:00.002+08:00

The bluest of all blues.

I believe they call it Monday.

In a series of unfortunate events, I find myself as I have always been;

insecure, scared, in the thick of all this talk about the future, rejections whether direct or indirect, mounting homework, mounting stress, unwarranted feelings, completely out of touch with the people that matter, brain overloading with every syllable written, spoken or even read.

Today is one of those days. Where you wake up after spending a whole night struggling to fall asleep. Where you find that you're out of toner and can't properly cleanse your face. When your coffee doesn't kick in and you feel you're in this constant daze. When you have heartfelt conversations with people that has grown to become your confidante and feel so insecure. When you fall deeper into insecurity after dropping a subject and not needing to attend classes anymore. When you put on a face, a facade quite unlike the scramble of thoughts in your brain just to get through the day. When people can't read through your facade because you're that good at pretending. When you cry just by looking at a tree and wondering whats it called. When you cry even harder as he kisses away your tears and tell you you're beautiful. When your train arrives late and some scary looking men tried to talk to you. When a black cat crosses your path. When you can't nap when you get home for fear that you will not be able to sleep tonight.

Its just one of those days.

Please blue Monday, go away now.

Mumbojumbo.

2011-02-05T21:41:00.002+08:00

Its the last few days of freedom.

The last few days before I'm forced back into the not-so-mundane world of college and back to keeping up with schedules, lunch dates, spontaneous karaoke moments, piling assignments, research, studying, stressing, future and bladibladibla. Knowing that I'm entering the very last semester of my college life is even more stressful, believe it or not. The very last semester that determines my entire A-level results, the universities I will be choosing, the people I will be saying goodbye to.

This Chinese New Year has been a rather humdrum one. The relatives visiting, the angpau collecting didn't have the usual thrill. While watching my brother fall asleep in our relatives house has been extremely hilarious and the food is always good, there seems to be less excitement this time round for CNY. Then again, this humdrum-ness is prolly contributed from me contracting a flu from my dad causing me to feel like I'm constantly floating on air. And the lack of oxygen. Plus headaches.

What a wonderful time to fall sick, eyh? :)

My thoughts are currently contradicting themselves; one being my want to return to college and the other wanting to stay in this CNY boredom for as long as I can. There is this dread associated with returning to college mainly from one subject.

You know that feeling of completely giving up? Like you know it in your heart that you and this subject have no connection, no want to keep persevering? I've gone through that ordeal in high school with my sciences of which I despise to my heart's core. But then again I still retained a little interest in it because the way your body works and the chemicals found in your food is stuff I could understand and force myself to look like I care. But literature? Literature, the completely subjective subject. The most insanely complicating, annoying and irritating subject in the whole wide world. From day one I have braved through literature like a lost little lamb. What I thought I knew about books, what I thought I could do with my years of bookworming literally flew outta the window. Literature is not about reading, its about analyzing and asking ourselves unsolvable questions.

What does the author intend to communicate?

How does the reader of the 18th century respond to these ideas put forth by the author?

What is the stance of the audience on this particular issue?

What is the central theme?

What is the rhythm and rhyme and what is the author's intention on keeping to this particular rhyme scheme?

Hyperbole?

Onomatopoeia?

Alliteration? Assonance?

Ballads? Dramatic Monologue?

Character? Playwright?

Mumbojumboooo?

And I thought I could get it in my system. I could force it in, like I did my science subjects. Like I did in 11 years of public education where the sole concept is forcing in information and not questioning its validity. But literature just introduces a whole new dimension to this. Now picking up a book is mentally distressing, just the simple art of reading has been ruined.

So should I keep forcing myself or let go?

So yes, this is what is going on in my mind. This whole post that jumps from one thought to another like the mumbojumbo going on in my head. And I keep asking myself these rhetorical questions. These questions that have no answers. Because I already know in my head what I should do.

I just don't have the heart to give up.

Grown Ups.

2011-02-04T09:32:00.003+08:00

One day, when you're much older, people will tell you you can't do certain things.

You can't behave a certain way, you can't dress a certain way, you can't think a certain way. As we grow older, everyone is forced into this dark tunnel of self righteousness, where like robots we're marched towards our respective destiny. As we grow older, we find ourselves wanting more in life, growing out of our children mindset, believing less and less in fairy tales and myths. We learn to live less, we concentrate our sole thought into our future; mapping out plans, directions, dictations that eventually wrought our every positive thought into a severely negative one.

It inevitably applies to your parents as well. They watch you grow up, fight the monsters in your bed, held your hand through your entire primary school life, watch you cry and struggle. They are convinced you're meant for greater things and they know that the only way to encourage someone is to plunge them down the road of self guilt.

The words "I thought all my children are smart" and "Perhaps you might want to reconsider a course that'll be easier for you to pass" and "With your results, who would ever accept you?" comes to mind. I grew up thinking I was never ever good enough. With two siblings who were the apple of my parents eyes, you name it they have it, straight A's, wonderful soaring recommendations, first class honours in their respective degrees, once in a lifetime job offers secured and the greatest luck in everything they choose to endeavor; I believed I was always one step behind, no help from the induced self guilt by my parents.

Obtaining an offer, from a university in the UK, a good university with good credentials who would actually consider someone as small and as insignificant as me, blows my mind away. Literally, I was laughing at the thought that a university would actually offer me a place, would actually give me a chance.

& I was completely skeptical to tell them. And perhaps next time I should listen to the voice in my head. Because that voice always reminds me that I'm never good enough, even with this offer. It does not mean anything at all.

But I'll stay in my happy bubble. Knowing that in a little list somewhere in the UK, there's my name on it. Knowing that people read through my application and said "Yes", knowing that a place is given to me, even if I am one in 1000000, and knowing that yes, this is something I should be happy about.

Today, I got an offer to study Law in the University of Warwick.

And like a grown up, I read the email, closed my mail and smiled to myself.

Love Note.

2011-01-29T21:25:00.003+08:00

[neither understand the other's language]

Jamie: [In English] It's my favourite time of the day, driving you.

Aurelia: [In Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

A night in watching Love Actually :) One of those feel good romance movies that just makes my heartstrings flutter.

I love these nights. These lazy nights in my oversized shirt, my hair in a mess, where nothing really matters but these characters in this love movie, the feeling of being completely absorbed and yet entirely distracted.

And I think about how love is beautiful. How people are often defined by the way they love, the people they love and the hearts they touch. And I love how love is so hard to define. How love can be at the exact same time completely earth shattering in good and bad ways. Love can make people do the craziest things, like learn a language just to able to communicate, or ringing the doors of each house in the block to find that girl, or running all the way to Sentral just to get coffee ;)

Its strange how so many things, places and words can be associated to love. So many folklores about finding love, finding that ultimate soulmate, deciphering the questions of love. How Paris is known as the city of love and lights because looking out at the view from the Eiffel Tower; its impossible to not fall in love. The legend of the Bridge of Sighs which says lovers will be granted everlasting love and bliss if they kiss on a gondola at sunset under the bridge and be in love and happily married for the rest of your life.

And I love everything about love. How love is completely subjective, not entirely understandable, not specifically defined, sometimes stupid, sometime breathtaking and always always so believable.

And with you, love is always the picture I never knew I could paint. :)

Blah.

2011-01-23T14:22:00.003+08:00

Yet another blah day.

With the economics book, my geeky glasses pushed up high and a tiny little miniature mountain of blacks pens to keep me company.

and the occasional unwinding with sex&thecity.

my laptop and I, facebook and twitter. social networking while chomping down on chocolate.

yeah, its one of those days.

when all you do is look at the four pink walls of your room and feel... at ease.

Single Thought.

2011-01-17T17:32:00.003+08:00

My mind is consumed with a single thought.

The thought that all of us hang on this fragile rope.

That could snap all of sudden and send us crashing down.

The thought that people are not always who they seem to be.

That people could turn their back on you when you least expect them to.

The thought that all I ever knew, all I could think about.

Is about to vanish in a split second.

Drown in my other incessant thoughts.

Spiral out of control in my haze of memories.

And all I can think about is how scared I am.

Of time.

Of people.

Of ropes & threads.

Of tiny secluded areas in my mind.

Of missing too much when the time comes.

A Quote.

2011-01-15T09:23:00.002+08:00

Here's the thing, say Shug. The thing I believe. God is inside you and inside everybody else. You come into the world with God. But only them that search for it inside find it. And sometimes it just manifest itself even if you not looking, or don't know what you looking for. Trouble do it for most folks, I think. Sorrow, lord. Feeling like shit.

It? I ast.

Yeah, It. God ain't a he or a she, but a It.

But what do it look like? I ast.

Don't look like nothing, she say. It ain't a picture show. It ain't something you can look at apart from anything else, including yourself. I believe God is everything, say Shug. Everything that is or ever was or ever will be. And when you can feel that, and be happy to feel that, you've found It.

The Colour Purple;

Alice Walker.

To Be Gracious.

2011-01-08T10:12:00.002+08:00

Inspired by Jason Mraz;

List down all the things you're grateful in 90 seconds! (okay, so I may have cheated a bit with this; but it is 10 in the morning and the caffeine has yet to kick in, ONE HOUR GRACE PERIOD)

GO;

books, a multitude of beautiful leatherbound and paperbacks that litter my shelves.

Annie Park, my absolutely gorgeous bear.

music, ear food :D

Jason Reeves, the definition of beauty.

love.

happiness.

roadblocks and obstacles.

education.

Rent, the musical.

good food.

inspirations.

my absolutely gorgeous family :)

the love of my life, Josh Kuan Wen Qi :)

sunsets.

pink :)

SUBANO :D

earrings, long&short.

hair, longlong hair.

kisses&hugs.

birthdays!

festive seasons.

gorgeous dresses.

shortskirts.

furry stuff bears.

COFFEE.

starbucks & coffeebean.

hotelrooms with bathtubs.

mellowsongs that fill up the early mornings.

purpod.

money in my purse x)

gilmoregirls.

long walks along the sidewalk; handinhand with someone I love.

Espirit handbags :D

twitter & facebook (I am a teenager) x)

blankets.

wendy, the bolster :)

magic&dreams.

breezes, morning and night.

the boundless ocean.

beaches.

long meaningful conversations.

college lovies.

and most definitely, dreams.

and you :) you you you :)

Love.

2011-01-07T12:21:00.005+08:00

"Love is a shining thing, like a golden fire or a silver mist. It comes very quietly; you can't command it, but you can't deny it either. When it does come, you can't quite see it or touch it, but you feel it - inside you and around you and the person you love. It changes you; it changes everything. Colours are brighter. Music is sweeter. Funny things are funnier. Ordinary speech won't do - you grope for better ways to express how you feel. You read poetry. Maybe you even try to write it... Oh, its so many little things. Waltzing in the dark, waiting for the phone to ring, opening the box of flowers. It's holding hands in a movie; it's humming a sad little tune; it's walking in the rain; it's riding in a convertible with the wind in your hair. It's quarreling and making up again. It's the first drowsy thought in the morning and the last kiss at night."
-Arthur Gordon

Love is opening your eyes to infinite possibilities, groping in the dark for the missing pieces to your soul; Love is believing once again in all the magic in this world, to reaching out in midair and feel a single touch that takes your breath away.

Love is you and I, in this spinning crazy world, catching each other in our insecurities and loving each other in the ways only we know how.

There may not be an accurate definition for love.

But this;

this feels a lot like how I would imagine love would feel :)

iloveyou :) happy5thmonth :)

Beauty.

2011-01-06T17:51:00.003+08:00

I want to run around in the rain.

I want to dip my hands in a pond, trail my fingers through the ripples, feel the moistness on my skin as I dip my head back and laugh the loudest laugh.

I want to feel the grass on my toes, the smell of nature so overpowering, so clear, so clean and so beautiful. I want to the feel my heart pour out filled with emotion as I lay on a patch of grass, with the blue sky overhead, the sound of birds playing catch, the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

I want to run so free and so wild across the beach with a t-shirt and shorts. I want to feel the wind as it grazes my cheeks, as the sand cover my feet, as my whole soul surrender to the beauty right in front of me.

I believe in God. I may not have a religion that defines me or have a hope during those dark days that I have; but I believe in God. I am a freethinker who believes that we did not come into existence through evolution but that God, that being from up above created these beautiful sights we see each and every single day. I believe that people, good and bad, creates a balance because we live in a world where everything that goes up inevitably must come down. I believe that God has created each and every one of us the way we're supposed to be and that we are dictated by our actions and Gods will.

& it is all so beautiful; Gods creations.

so, tell me why, why are you people abusing it?

This Is The Sound That's Made, When A Heart Breaks.

2011-01-05T09:57:00.002+08:00

All is not lost

Become who you are

It happens once in a lifetime

You know what, Bernice?

You said you've been living in the shadow of other people your whole life.

You said your life has been a big mess, what with making so many mistakes, choosing wrong, feeling horrible crawled up in bed wrapped in your shadowy doubt.

You said that everyone else is lucky, and you're constantly plagued by the thought that there is no way out of these four walls.

And you plunge yourself deeper into a cave of darkness, plunge yourself deeper into a dark place where all you can do is cry like a lost child.

You said that you would never ever take the chance, take the leap because you're just so darn scared to fall.

You're afraid of disappointments, of opening your email or mailbox and finding a rejection letter.

You're afraid your whole world will come tumbling down in an instant.

You're afraid things will not go your way.

You're afraid that things, people, places, experiences, they change.

You are sososo afraid of loss, of losing yourself, of losing your friends, of losing someone that you love.

And all of this has contributed to you standing completely still.

Because you're so afraid all the time, you'd just stand completely still, if the Earth rattled you, you'd still be there, completely still, unblinking, scared to death to move because any movement will change you.

Well you know what?

People change.

You changed.

People move because they have to.

Because if you stand still, everything would still change.

There's no stopping life from moving on, revolving around your still figure.

You're ridiculous, you know that?

Absolutely ridiculous.

Why are you flailing? When the whole world of impossible possibilities are right there in front of you? Why are you flailing in these last moments of your life that will define all your future choices?

March march march ahead.

Stop looking behind. Stop looking to the future.

Looking right in front of you. This is all you have.

Right here, right now.

Become who are you are.

We are once in a lifetime.

New Year.

2011-01-04T17:06:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year 2011 ;)

cheers to another wonderful new year.

Breakable.

2010-12-30T09:36:00.003+08:00

Good morning :)

Tomorrow is New Years Eve already!

2011 is about to begin, another year of crazy journeys, spontaneous fun, meaningful conversations, drama and above all friends and family love.

Am feeling the restlessness that comes with a new year. Its very aggravating to have this feeling of wanting to toss and turn all day long, of wanting to do absolutely nothing but think about whats to come. I'd like to think that beginning a new year is like taking on a new slate. Redeeming one self with new resolutions to be a better person, believing in love all over again and hoping with all my might that this new year would only bring happiness.

But of course it's not always so. Sadness is a long thought out massacre of feelings that inevitably finds you in the lowest point of your day, that entwine and interlace every bad feeling that you've had in your life to form the puzzle of chaos that just stretched on infinitely. With the new year comes the fact that there will be more sadness to expand on that puzzle of chaos.

& oh gosh it scares me.

imagine yourself in this little box that keeps compressing itself and pressing down on your future actions. suffocating and fearful, you stay completely stagnant watching the white walls close in on you and unable to speak, unable to breathe. one day it will be all that you see, this white wall filled with limits, with limits that you cannot cross at all cost, limits that will hold you back in every single thing that you do.

I admire superstars likes actors, singers and dancers. Not just because everyone loves them, aspires after them and the fact that they are famous. I admire the fact that they could follow their dreams, they could put themselves out there and believe in themselves. Everyone in this world would love to be a superstar but there are only a few people who would even dare to delude themselves that that is possible. That we can be rich and famous doing what we love.

I grew up with the belief that I should be realistic. We aim for big careers like doctors, lawyers, accountants, businessman/woman, engineers. We plunge ourselves into the thick of reality, with our parents forcing us on to this pre-destined path, with our government forcing us to take subjects we despise, honing our ability to believe that the education system is just that, a painful march dictated by other people.

Why is that?

Why can't we just follow our dreams as a little girl/boy?

To be a ballerina.

To be a writer.

To be a foreign correspondent.

To be a humanitarian.

To invent crazy inventions that would fly us to the ends of the Earth.

Why must there be sadness accompanied with every new year?

I know, there is an answer to all my questions.

I know that some people choose those big careers. Some people do agree that our education has honed us to be perfectionist and good workers. I know some people have followed their dreams. I know that sometimes we are just so freaking afraid of doing just that. I know that sometimes we may even not know our own dreams. I know that with every sadness, there is happiness walking hand in hand with it.

Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic with the beckoning of a new year.

It is after all, a year of new opportunities.

And come mid next year, I will be plunged into my degree course, discovering the law like a wide-eyed child seeing the world for the first time. And wherever I may go, wherever I may be this time next year;

I hope I'll be happy.

Have you ever thought about what protects our heart?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

Breakable; Ingrid Michaelson

Birthday LOVE :)

2010-12-21T15:26:00.005+08:00

Happy Birthday to the boy <3

the one that makes it all worth it, every single tear.

the one that showers me with unflinching love.

who'd care in my darkest days.

who'd listen to my stupid rants.

the one that is adorable, so so so sweet, the boy of my dreams :)

the one that keeps me hoping every single day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

Iloveyouu.

I'm so glad you were born 18 years ago today :) I would have been lost without you.

A Dedication To Home.

2010-12-20T10:34:00.010+08:00

How far I've come.

5 years have passed since I've left home.

I don't miss Tawau.

I miss the Tawau in my mind, the one I grew up with.

The one with not enough shopping centres, with winding roads and streets that I took my baby steps on, the one that has all the memories that all felt like yesterday. I miss the Tawau that built my foundation in life, that kept me humble and on my feet. I miss the Tawau that has a lot of gorgeous greeneries that stretch infinitely. I miss the Tawau that used to have my home, my beautiful two storey gorgeous home that I ran around, that I cried in, that I laughed so loud in, the TV room that used to scare me, the balcony that I've lamented in the most lowest days, my room with the sportscar bed, my big wardrobe that I could never get my clothes in because I was far too short, the huge toilet that was victim to my shower singing and listening to my voice revolving to what it is today, the stairs that I crawled up during those tiring days, the kitchen where my mum moves with such ease, cooking up the food that I love, my pretty swing, the really pretty swing that I spend most of my days reading on, the tall mango tree that I carved my name and Phoebe's name on with a promise that we'll be true best friends forever, the bar stools that I used to swing around while I gossip with my besties "OH! HE LOOKED AT ME TODAY!" :) and the garden where I ran away from butterflies and climbed trees.

I miss the Tawau in my mind.

I miss the feelings I used to have. The ones of pure innocence of being a child. Of spending my time being the rebellious little kid I was, running too much, crying too much, climbing too much, falling too much. I miss my best friends that I grew up with. All those days of young michief, of stupid crushes and holding each others hands as we go through this scary world.

So many memories :) And look how far we've come..

I love all of you so much :)

Thien Siew Kyeun (a.k.a. Thienthien)

Lee Choong Yee (a.k.a Leelee)

Phoebe Pang Yen Lei (otherwise known as 4B, Fobi, TBFF :)

I miss my home, 5 years ago.

Fuzz.

2010-12-08T19:07:00.002+08:00

To think;

a year ago today I finished SPM.

I was floating around my after-SPM bubble in complete confusion.

I didn't know what I was gonna do the next day, let alone what I'll be doing in my future.

And everything was just pink fuzz. Pink cotton candy fuzz that confused me.

Today;

the pink cotton candy fuzz that confused me.

its still there.

All I Want For Christmas...

2010-12-07T20:02:00.002+08:00

is YOU :)

ohplsohpls Santa, because I've been good this year :)

except for all the procrastinating.

and the cursing.

and the occasional tantrums.

but other than that; *halo :)

December.

2010-12-05T17:56:00.002+08:00

It feels surreal to already be knee deep in the December blues.

It is the fifth of december two thousand and ten today.

In another twenty days, it will be Christmas.

In another sixteen days, the boy will turn eighteen.

In another twenty six days, it will be new years eve.

In another twenty seven days, it will be the year two thousand and eleven.

December blues is my way of settling into the rumble that is two thousand and ten. To sift through all the events that has catalysed this year and to reassemble my year in a record that resounds through my mind everytime the word 'two thousand and ten' greets me. December, for some, signals the beauty of snow, the wonder Christmas lights and smell that just embraces you and your entire heart with a warmth that seems to last forever. December, for some, means family trips, a time for a holiday and to unwind from the strenuous year.

December, for me, is the time to count my blessings and to look forward to a new year. To look back on this year and experience again all those feelings whether bad or good, sad or happy, exhilarating or boring that has shaped this wonderful year and that would continue bringing in the new year.

two thousand and ten has been the rockiest adventure.

it started with me barely knowing what would happen next. I dived into college like I would into impulsive shopping. I dived into a new world, this new step that scared me and exhilarated me. What begun as a horrible start, blossomed into one laden with new friends and new adventures. My college friends is the epitome of fun. The loud burst of giggles in the hallways, the activities we cook up in literature class and all those moments of pure insanity was amazing and I never knew I would ever enjoy college as much as I did.

but there is the downside to everything fun. this was a year filled with the question of "What am I going to do next?" Its strange that as you grow up, you start making these choices that you were never geared to make in the first place. These choices drove wedges in relationships and they became the sore spot in a family as competitive as mine. I have never quite cried as much about this than I did this year nor did I ever feel quite as lost as I did this year. & perhaps I am still drifting along in my choices, still lost and confused.

this would have been the year that I have given up on finding anyone that would complete me. I was pessimistic entering college that I would ever find anyone who would take me completely as I am, flaws present. My heart was not in the right place with my family constantly bringing me down and friendships suffering the test of distance and time. Then, he came into my life. Call me extremely cliche, but it was like you know that light at the end of the tunnel. That burst of fireworks in the dark sky. It was as clear to me as it was to him and it felt completely right. And he is the pillar that I depend on, that person who would never fail to make me laugh or giggle, who would go to the ends of the Earth for me as I would for him. For the first time in a long time, I felt so happy, so complete. & I fell in love.

lots more to reminisce about two thousand and ten. :) shalt update further later!

and if I do get lazy,

Merry Christmas :)

Happy Birthday to the awesome boyfriend :)

& I hope all of you will have a great 2011 :)

Untitled.

2010-11-26T18:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, being a girl seriously sucks.

Paranoia, overthinking, its just this whole train of useless worry that consumes us.

We become petty, peculiar and downright annoying.

And then someone calls. And he tells me "Rant to me, I'm here for you"

And you get in a good cry and tell yourself you're stupid repeatedly.

And he tells you he loves you, that he'll never leave you.

& its that feeling that envelops you in warmth.

and shuts the voices in your head telling you that you'll never make it.

& you'll realise.

your biggest fear is losing him.

Home.

2010-11-24T13:42:00.002+08:00

A friendship that transcends through time, through the universe, through the constant separation of heart and soul, the true friendship that exists in times of pure joy and in times of heartbreaking sadness.

Maybe that is a little far fetched to achieve; a friendship that defines a person's being, that takes one ordinary person through the whole passage of knowing a person like knowing yourself and putting your entire trust on them with the complete knowledge that they will never let you down. Is a friendship like that attainable? Where you can lay down all your hopes and dreams and that person would accept you entirely for who you are and who would take all your significant and insignificant beliefs to give them meaning.

There are little missing pieces in everyone’s life that is filled with the company of friends. The people you meet have all left a different imprint in your heart and have changed your perception on many things as you progress along life. These people do not necessarily remain your friends in the long run, but nevertheless, your connection with them would remain in your heart, transcending through decades of life-changing memories. And when you meet them again, it’s like the puzzle piece if complete. Suddenly, everything makes more sense.

Friendship is difficult sometimes. We all have different experiences with it, be it good or bad. Everyday we breathe in a new perspective that perhaps there is such thing as a friendship that survives the storms of childhood; perhaps there is such a thing as love for a friend that would multiply in years. Maybe friendship is not about constantly keeping in touch, it’s about being able to see each other after all those years and feel completely comfortable.

To feel like you’re going home.

Besties.

2010-11-20T09:02:00.001+08:00

I miss them :(

Save Me.

2010-11-13T08:55:00.001+08:00

We all need saving, sometimes.

You know in fairytales, how there is always that damsel in distress that always needs to be saved by a prince charming on a white horse? Yeah, those princesses who sit by the window in the highest floor of a tower, waiting for him to save her? These fairytales that every feminist would be completely against, insisting that we don't need any prince charming to save us and whisk us away to live happily ever after.

Well;

I used to be that person, that person that would stand up for herself. The storm that brought every single destructive feeling and attack head on without any fear of retribution or any thoughts that would scare me into retreating back to my shell. I am the person who would yell out to the entire world and laugh at myself. I never saw myself as the damsel in distress because fairytales were just that, that little bubble that doesn't exist. I was happy to live in my own element, to be the strong one when everyone was crumbling, to be the defiant one when everyone is conforming.

The first crack eventually came. & it hurt a lot, to suddenly lose all my self confidence, all my craziness. I started holding back, retreating to this dark unknown place. I became afraid of virtually everything, afraid of speaking up and finally I let fear control, dictate my thoughts and actions.

And all I wanted is to be that damsel in distress, to be saved by my prince charming. To save me from all this fear.

It is not a matter of preserving our pride, covering our ego. It is about the fact that no one person can carry the entire weight of the world on their shoulders. After a while, they crumble from all the pressure of feeling as though there is nobody in the world they can depend on.

No man is an island onto himself.

We all need saving sometimes.

We all need to be loved sometimes.

We all want to be the damsel in distress sometimes, to wait for that light to breakthrough the darkness.

We all need hope and a safety net to hold onto.

Chances.

2010-11-07T22:11:00.001+08:00

& I did just that, 3 months ago today :)

It has been perfect, in every which way.

& if I lived a thousand years, you know I never could explain

the way I lost my heart to you that day

but if destiny decided I should look the other way

then the world would never know

the greatest story ever told

& did I tell you that I love you, tonight.

Ours.

2010-10-31T09:33:00.005+08:00

So don't you worry your pretty little mind,

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours.

29th October 2010

M: Hey, we'll talk tonight, alright?

H: We'll talk tonight, definitely. Message me after you're done with dinner.

(half an hour later)

M: I'm done with dinner.

H: Okay. Give me 20 minutes.

(20 minutes later)

*phone rings*

M: Hello?

H: Hey, am entering your condo. Meet you at the poolside, alright?

M: *sputters* But-but-but, WHAT?!

H: *laughing*

M: WHAT?! YOU'RE HERE?! ARE YOU CRAZY!

H: Come down!

M: Okay, okay!

(At the poolside)

M: Have you gone insane?!

H: You said you wanted to talk to me. So I took it literally :)

I smiled like the craziest person on Earth. At the boy who would go through an interchanging KTM ride, who would rush out from his house right after dinner, who would walk through the scary neighborhood, who would meet me at the poolside and hug me and tell me he is sorry.

I smile at the crazy (but too sweet) boy, wanting to burst out and tell him how much I love him. That all the tears I shed was worth it and he's the one person in the world that would make me feel this way.

I love this boy :)

p/s: Sorry for the excessive mush :)

Smile :)

2010-10-30T16:25:00.000+08:00

& thats why people call me weird :)

2010-10-29T18:48:00.002+08:00

The feeling of wanting to jump off a building and land straight first into concrete.

Sync.

2010-10-29T16:39:00.002+08:00

I can understand why the stars sometimes don't twinkle at night.

I can understand why the moon doesn't glow.

I can understand why people are not always who they seem to be.

There's only one thing I cannot understand,

I cannot understand why my heart is never in sync with my brain.

2010-10-28T19:30:00.002+08:00

I want to be the silhouette of a ballerina, dancing gracefully in a dimmed lit room.

Why.

2010-10-27T18:11:00.002+08:00

Let me ask you a question;

Why do you insist on breaking me down?

Its like this tidal wave of feelings accompanying your every word. Every little word shot at me, every little hopes and aspirations you try to inflict on me, it feels like an overwhelming sense of pure torture and pain that would never seem to end. Its like you've taken hold of my heart and you're squeezing it as hard as you can, wanting to squeeze every feeling of genuine happiness, every feeling of genuine accomplishment just so I can grow up to the robot you wish I would be.

Its not enough to feel like I'm never good enough for you, its not enough for you. You just keep squeezing up to the point that I lose my sense, I lose my hope, I just give up. And that applies for everything that I have ever dreamed of doing in my life. Every hopes and dreams that you have dashed off with a flick of wrist, every long lectures of my incompetence, how I do not measure up to the them, how I do not get the perfect grades. It hurts, it hurts so badly. Why do you insist on allowing me to break down in front of you? Does it please you? Are you filled with a sense of happiness to see my whole life reduced to everything short of your expectations?

Why do you have no faith in me? Why do you see me as falling short of anything they could achieve and you set this impossible benchmark that just breaks me down with every step I take. I try so hard to please you, I try so hard to never keep any secrets from you. I want you to be involved in my life, in my relationships, in my decisions because I thought it would be easy. We would have the perfect family relationship.

But every piece of information you acquire, you just use it as a tool to my self destruction. You make me think I'm not good enough. You make me think I'm never going to be good enough.

Why do you do that to me?

I'm Thankful For.

2010-10-25T16:14:00.002+08:00

April 27th <3

Enchanted.

2010-10-24T09:07:00.004+08:00

Don't you just love the early morning air?

Its the air that makes one feel like staying in bed, with the covers drawn to their noses and their dreams between awake and fantasy. Its the air when your mind is still in the quiet lull of sleep, unaffected by all the earthly problems that is reality. Its the air of forgiveness for yesterday's mistakes and a breath of fresh new air for today. Its the air that tickles you, that embraces you in the early morning where the world is asleep. You could almost hear the rumble of sleep, the snores in the little neighbourhood and you'd feel like the only person awake.

And you'd crack your first smile of the day. Because who can be angry at all this beauty?

Everyone has their little ways of embracing a new day. I wake up full of hope for a day filled with productiveness (in terms of studying because oh gosh, my STU-I mean-DARLING exams have finally descended on me) and gorgeous people who colour my life pink. I wake up to the smell of coffee, the smell of the morning air, the sound of fairytale dreams coming true (in the form of Taylor Swift) and the sun rising across the horizon. :)

& I'd make a little wish.

For the morning air to stay lingering in my mind throughout the day.

Because it always manages to make everything seem a little better.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew,

I was enchanted to meet you.

Resolution.

2010-10-21T21:03:00.003+08:00

J: So what is your new year resolution?
B: Mm.. :)

J: Come on, tell me!

B: To fall in love. And it came true!

J: Hahaha! Then I'll make it come true over and over again.

By letting you fall in love over and over again :)

Night Hope.

2010-10-15T21:34:00.004+08:00

It is absolutely true :)

To be in love; to feel the breeze in the night and believe that everything is beautiful.

To take the crappiest day in the planet earth and turn it a complete 180 degrees round :)

And there's only one person who could do that :)

I used to be a cynic. A cynic in all matters pertaining to relationships and friendships. I used to not believe it when somebody says they would willingly be my friend, no strings attached. It is exceptionally scary when you feel as though you can't trust anyone, because one day they would inevitably break your heart.

Relationships are hard too. They tell me that maybe I shouldn't believe in this silly little thing called love. Maybe love is a delusion that was manifested from fairty tales, chick flicks, poets and literature. Because until today there is no one definite definition for love. It is the most subjective, most singularly asked question in the world. And everyone, every single person has that different definition for love. But I was never sure of it, never sure of my definition of love. And with every single defining moment in my life, my grasp on love started to slip. The realities of life scared me. Scared love. How can people love in such a scary world?

But as I grow up, I start to realise the disparities in my theory of relationships, friendships and love. I begin thinking maybe if I stop over-thinking for a second about every single implication these people, these relationships will have on me; maybe if I stop over-obsessing about things I cannot change; Maybe if I stopped over-analyzing about every single move I make. Then maybe, I won't be afraid to take a leap. Maybe relationships and friendships aren't about what would happen when everyone leaves, but are essentially about how they make me feel right now, in this moment, in the present.

It is scary and daunting, the future, no doubt about that. Forgetting it for a moment and just living in the moment helps us appreciate life a little more. Believe in the unbelievable, achieve in the impossible, leap into the deep unknown.

Today, I feel like I'm walking in cloud nine :)

Because one person can change that, with just one smile, one familiar look, three words :)

Suddenly everything feels a little more bearable because (however cliché this might sound) he is like that light at the end of the tunnel, the star in the dark sky.

You know that feeling? Like you just woke up and you're greeted with the sun rising on the horizon, the morning breeze ruffles your hair, the air is sweet and the world is beautiful and silent. Its that feeling that everything is brand new and that somehow, even if the day is long and tiring, I would survive it with that love to inspire me and cheer me on.

& I'm blessed. To have the most gorgeous group of friends in college who would never fail to make me howl with laughter. They would see through my disguises and they would never ever deny me hugs ;)

My gorgeous best friend; who would listen to me whine and rant incoherently. Who would tell me not to worry, even though she knows I will. The best friend I absolutely cannot live without and who makes me sane in my insane world. The only person I would listen to when my head cannot decide, when my heart hurts, when I cry.

There is so many things to be grateful about.

& a bad day should not consume our thoughts.

When we think of all the beautiful things we can see :)

Early Morning.

2010-10-11T07:04:00.003+08:00

I adore my early morning coffee.

The early morning thoughts when I wake up.

The early morning revelation of the dreams I had.

The early morning shower which leaves me rejuvenated.

I especially love the early morning sms-es.

I still get jittery whenever I see my phone light up :)

And I still smile; at every single word. :)

Love is beautiful.

Little Stars

2010-10-03T08:53:00.002+08:00

We're all little stars in the universe.

Struggling to twinkle in the vast black sky that stretches infinitely.

We're all insignificant on our own, small & powerless to change the world.

And we try so hard to be special, to look different, to twinkle brighter.

That we forget we only shine the brightest in a group.

When we twinkle in unison.

Sometimes the little stars in my life would drift away.

Because its hard to contain all of them, with just two eyes to watch over my little group.

Drift away they will in most likelihood, and I will just have to learn to accept it.

But never forget. Not even a little.

Loves.

2010-09-26T10:09:00.003+08:00

We're so high the city below gets small and quiet

Every breath just makes us lighter

We're never coming down

On Friday I;

Watched two different movies at two different locations :)

Visited the Skybridge of Petronas Twin Towers.

The second part of the chorus of Helium Hearts <3>

Rained, much to my chagrin, but had the most quaint moment. The pattering of the rain, the songs I love so much, the person that mattered the most. :)

Am in this constant state of elation. :)

Because everything is more beautiful, sweeter and brighter when you're in love.

& everyday I fall a little harder, smile a little bigger, giggle a little louder.

I live larger than life, dare myself to do the impossible and jump into the unknown.

Because I know that someone will be there to catch me when I fall.

Night Air.

2010-09-21T21:57:00.002+08:00

Once in a while we forget to walk outside and smell the night air.

The night air tonight is ice cold, with a little breeze that flutters and whispers secrets in my ears. The quiet and gentle breeze brings back those old feelings of closing my eyes and opening them to the vast sky; the clutter of stars; the feeling of having my breath taken away.

The city is quiet. The night envelops them in a warm cocoon of serene thoughts. Overhead, there is a single light in the distance, an airplane i assume. It flew smoothly, gliding along the night air. It all feels so out of reach, the vast sky. I closed my eyes and made a silent wish; for love, for peace, for the strength to persevere. I reached out my hands to the darkness and it is almost like I could touch the sky. My fingers stand out in pale comparison and if I looked at them long enough, they began to blend in with the black sky; almost like the sky and I were meant to be.

One day I'd fly.

Out into the black sky.

And I won't be afraid.

Today I;

2010-09-16T22:39:00.003+08:00

woke up to write an introduction for my literature assignment. about death. which is always the most peculiar way to start a day :)

I had coffee, while re-watching certain parts of movies I've downloaded. Like the scene from Wedding Singer where Adam Sandler sang the "I Wanna Grow Old With You" song to Drew Barrymore. :) And of course Billy Idol was there, which was absolutely hilarious!

(I procrastinated on lit.)

I met the boy at MidV where we got lunch of sushi & marshmallows. :) Which, in my opinion, is the greatest combination of sugary sweetness :)

Watched A Walk To Remember where the boy showed off his awesome future director skills. "She's gonna die isn't she!"; "SHADDUPPP AND WATCHH" :)

The boy serenaded me into a puddle. :)

Went to a park :) Sat by the lake in utter bliss and contentment as I watched the ripples on the lake and the sun reflecting on the water, which looked remarkably like little diamonds in the lake. Rolled around the grass and talked about the future :) Of piggybacks & love.

& it all felt like a beautiful dream :)

Ily youu. <3

Had the biggest dinner ever which the most awesome carbonara spaghetti. Celebrated my lovely parents 26th wedding anniversary in the most quaint manner & it all felt surreal.

Had a nice long catching up conversation with my lovely best friend, Ainur Syahira. :) Been missing each other all week and it felt good to finally have a proper conversation.

I love my bestfriend :)

Today was a fairytale :)

Alright.

2010-09-11T16:54:00.003+08:00

& when everything in the world is going against me.

when the family pressures me, the workload stresses me, the procrastination gets the better of me.

when time catches up with me to remind me of the reality I live in.

& when I feel completely out of control.

as though my life is slipping through my fingertips; so out of reach.

like watching water trickling down despite my greatest attempt to contain it.

& when I lie awake at night; deep breaths feeling helpless.

when I wish I could grapple for my lost thoughts

when I wish I remember those people, those memories, those endless streams of hopes & dreams.

when I question my life.

I will take two deep breaths.

I'd sit up from my bed, in the dead of the night; when its quiet, when my thoughts are the only thing pounding in the silence.

I'd bow my head and take another breath.

And I will think of everything that is right in my life.

The irrevocable love I feel everyday, from friends, from family, from him.

The simple pleasures of little mementos, of music, of movies, of tv shows that have inspired me.

That warm feeling returns to my fingertips. The fluttering of the night breeze is not scary anymore. And my life, my love, my heart will be alright again.

I will be alright again.

Unknown.

2010-09-03T10:31:00.005+08:00

There are so many things that I wish I knew.

The endless list of wishes and hopes for the future; incessant over-analyzing thoughts of people that shape my life, the places I would see, the lives I will change.

Like how I would love to be able to delve into the heart and mind of the people I care too much for. How I could make everything better for them as they go through the challenges they face on a daily basis. How I could pick out their emotions from a simple text message or I could know what are the right words to say to make it all better. I wish there was this huge flat screen TV, updating me constantly about their movements and thoughts so I could watch over them. In the first sign of conflict, I'll be right by their side, dropping everything just to tell them "I love you, please don't be sad."

Like how I would love to free fall off a cliff into the dark unknown. How the impact of my body against the blue water would bring the sweet release of all my fears. How the dark water would not be threatening anymore, just like my fear for darkness in life. How every single problem or worries that plague my very existence will disappear in the boundless ocean.

Like how to fall in love without any fear. Irrevocable, dance-under-the-rain, falling fast and without any safety nets kind of love. How I would be able to ignore all those obstacles to falling in love and tune out of the judgmental voices of others. How it would be just you and me in this love; and nothing about the future would scare me as long as I have you near me. How I could fall in love once, and make it last forever.

One touch is enough to make me fall in love all over again.

Like how I could live in the present and not be afraid of my daunting future. How I wish I won't see life as a big conveyor belt; just wheeling my life in this continuous mundane rumble accomplishing one step at one time. Education, Working Life, Mid Life Crisis, Getting Married, Getting Children, The Content In Old Age. How I wish I knew the bigger purpose of my stay here on planet Earth. Am I merely like any other person on the streets? Walking from one destination to another, hurried glances and forgetting the true essence of love and happiness? Why am I seeking this mountain load of education? Would it really bring me to the place I'm destined to be? Or is it merely a distraction to the bigger picture of my life?

If life is for living, then why do people hurt over the simple things?
Why can't we just release and be the person we want to be?
Why can't things be that simple?

How I wish I knew the answers to all my questions. But I guess its the challenge of not knowing that keeps us going. To plunge into the deep unknown.

;
Throw away the chains
Let love fly away

Him :)

2010-08-26T19:53:00.001+08:00

I miss you,

every second you're not with me,

and every second I'm not with you;

I love you,

every second.

Send Me An Angel.

2010-08-22T10:36:00.003+08:00

Everyday life presents us with a different obstacle to deal with. Another challenge to persevere through, another hope distinguished and lighted up again. Everyday is a breath fresh air and how you choose to face the new day is entirely up to yourself.

I used to have a penchant for starting the day off reading my horoscope in the papers. These predictions govern the way I perceive my whole day would pan out. There are days where apparently good luck would follow me wherever I go and there are days where the horoscope advices me that its best I stay at home. Being the great believer, I trust them wholeheartedly and would spend the day under the influence of those black and white words. Looking back, I find it completely amusing. I wonder why I let myself always believe without a figment of doubt the validity of these words. Perhaps it was the naive me, the young me and now at 18 years old, I would probably scoff at anyone who trusts horoscopes.

But that little part of me still trusts. Because I'm always looking for something to believe in. Something to depend on when everything seems uncertain and dark.

Today I woke up to the sound of the rain. As it beats down on the grey pavements and forms little water droplets on the hinges of leaves, I woke up to a brand new day. The quiet of the world in the moments so early in the morning takes my breath away. Today, I don't need a horoscope to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I'll depend on the sunshine and rain to bring me back to love, hope and trust.

And each obstacles that inevitably stumbles on my path will be merely distractions.

The Ride Of My Life.

2010-08-19T07:05:00.002+08:00

Wishing on a shooting star

But dreams alone won't get you far

Can't deny your feelings anymore

The world is waiting right outside your door

What are you waiting for?

Big day today.

Here's to hoping I come out unscathed, unbroken and unhurt.

Here's to hoping no tears would be shed today, or if there were tears it would be happy ones.

Here's to the future.

Love, Bernice.

You're on your way no looking back

There's no future living in the past

You're free at last.

Please.

2010-08-15T14:49:00.002+08:00

It's as though you're intentionally driving this wedge in between us.

You persistently remind me of my failures and my disappointments.

And you think its fuels my spirit, but it doesn't. It just hurts me and drives me further and further into the hole I'm burrowing myself deep into.

Please stop now. Please?

Worry.

2010-08-10T18:53:00.003+08:00

I think I constantly have to worry about something. Whether its the simplest and most minute thing to the life changing and major choices I make. Everyday I question my every step, my every move, so close to patronizing myself with these thoughts that shroud my mind and incessantly demand for my over-analyzing nature. This brain of mine over-calculates, over-thinks and over-obsesses to the point of over-exhausting myself. Sometimes I just wish my brain would shut up and give me peace.

I worry about my best friend whose going through a rough time right now. I attempt to keep my sunny disposition, smile and be the strong one for her because that is what I think she needs right now. And with all my sunniness, I tell her she'll be okay fully believing that in time things would resolve itself. I firmly believe in a happily ever after ending. That my life and everyone else's life amounts to living a complete and beautiful fairytale that is filled with obstacles that will eventually resolve itself. I want my best friend to be happy and not be sad anymore.

I worry about my pending results. I worry that I did not do as well as I hope to do. I worry to hear their disappointment across the dinner table again and their accusations of not being good enough. It hurts to be an outcast in the family; when you're not smart enough or do not get enough A's; when you have expectations to live up to and you just can't reach them. I worry when he says "Don't bother applying. You're not gonna get in anyway". It hurts to remember your reaction to my SPM results when everyone was telling me how great it was. And in the end, I push myself to aspire to your expectations when I have no idea what exactly it is that I want. I want you to be proud of what I can or cannot do. I want to stop feeling like a failure in your eyes.

I believe in experiences that shape you. I don't foresee myself being a professor or a person of great esteem. In the end, I answer to the life that I have led.

I worry about other people's problems.

I live and breathe the way I do purely to worry about other people.

And I push myself every single day for other people's expectations.

Ugh. It's one of those days :/

You.

2010-08-07T21:22:00.001+08:00

7th August 2010 :)

You and your funny smile/grimace :)

:)

2010-08-06T19:16:00.000+08:00

& I'll remember the way your heart beats.

A Rant About Hamlet.

2010-08-01T14:23:00.002+08:00

I think the inner rambler in me is unleashing itself with this exhausting, stressful literature assignment. I mean, writing 500 words seem like a challenge when I write 20 word sentences! How am I supposed to develop some form of argument with just 500 words at my disposal?

Another question, WHAT IS MY ARGUMENT??

I mean the film on its own is just ridiculous. No matter how many good reviews I read online about Hamlet 2000, I just can't bring myself to say that it was a very well put piece of work that will be remembered for years to come. It was singularly the strangest and most uninspiring work that, if I may so myself, puts Shakespeare's great play to shame. Not that I have any affection for any of Shakespeare's work (But shh, I'm supposed to be a passionate Lit student after all), but seriously this adaptation of Hamlet send me to fits of laughter as opposed to feeling the tragedy of it all. I think I almost fell asleep watching the movie.

The "To be or not to be" soliloquy also cracks me up! I mean, it's one of his most beloved soliloquy, quoted by millions and there Ethan Hawke was, walking around in a blockbuster store looking almost bored and with his silly hat. Oh and of course there was that weird scene that showed an airplane flying for no reason at all. Its almost like the entire movie was not edited! Oh and Hamlet in the laundromat! Watching his clothes spinning! WHAT??

Okay, I just needed to rant. I'm done now. At least I think I'm done :) If I have more, I shall continue ranting a little later on. For now, Ethan Hawke's interview awaits me. My brain needs to start churning lots of excuses about his peculiar performance in Hamlet.

SOMEBODY SAVE ME :(

Adore :)

2010-07-31T18:50:00.003+08:00

I absolutely adore you.

In every which way; from our heartfelt conversations to your excessive lameness which never fails to make me laugh. I adore your serious side, your funny side, your weird side and your lovely side; it makes me smile like a teenager in love. You in your black shirt, you with your heart melting smiles and you with your way with words.

It is like a breath of fresh air every morning waking up to your messages.

You've made me so completely complete that I could never imagine any other person in the whole wide world that will make me this happy. Thank you dear, for coming into my life and making it bright again :)

Almost like a puzzle piece I've been trying to find

Falls right into place

You're all that it takes

My doubt fades away

People.

2010-07-28T17:56:00.002+08:00

People come into our lives in the most prominent of manners.

They don't knock and ask permission to enter in our lives.

They don't tell you their purpose and their intentions.

They don't tell you that they would change your life; would alter your very thoughts and decisions.

They would never give you an inkling about whats to come, what to believe in and what demons they hide in their closet.

They don't warn you about the damages they may cause in your life.

They don't tell you you'd fall in love.

They don't give you an excuse for being in your life, they just are.

And everyday I'm thankful that every single person that came into my life made me the person I am today.

A Dream.

2010-07-26T19:03:00.001+08:00

& today felt like a dream. :)

Tendency.

2010-07-25T17:04:00.002+08:00

Hello?

Hey!

Whats up?

Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice.

I'm rushing headlong, plunging into the unknown. I am still afraid, still cautious. Still scared to think of what will happen if it doesn't materialize.

I have that tendency, that scary tendency to over-think. What if I let go and no one catches me? What if I have been in a little bubble of happiness that was bound to burst? A simple word would influence my every decision, my every feeling.

But I'll let go now and just spread my arms. Whatever happens, I hope you'll be there to catch me when I fall.

So Fine.

2010-07-24T09:46:00.002+08:00

Hello :)

The world is brighter these days. The colours are more gorgeous, the people more lively. I move in sync with the world and I'd have to suppress the springs in my step. The secret smiles, the quiet happiness, its bubbling in me and I could barely contain myself. Everything is beautiful when somebody smiles back at you :)

In my mind there's a boy.

And he makes me feel so happy :)

I'm feeling like my life has just begun,

And I'm feeling fine

I feel so alive, singin'

I'm feeling like my life has just begun

And I'm feeling fine

So fine, fine , fine :)

Rain Again.

2010-07-20T18:32:00.004+08:00

Cause I'm lost inside of this one thing that I can't control

Can't control, can't control

Its your love, its your face

Its the smile on your face

Its the basic fact that I will never ever know

If its really the distance, its keeping you from coming back home

Rain is surging outside as we hide ourselves under our blankets.

Its in the quiet of the home as everyone silently watches the persistent rain.

The drops that gathers around your window pane, the relentless drops of rain against your roof.

The bird that fly to the shade, the little umbrellas that bumble along.

And we're all waiting for it to stop.

The rain, the rain that stole the sunshine.

The rain that brought the silence, the quiet, the tension.

But that silence, that quiet, that tension is forgiven;

And we're all waiting for it to stop.

Awaiting the rainbow at the end of a dark day.

Familiar Feelings.

2010-07-19T07:06:00.003+08:00

It's been two years since anything remotely like this has ever happened.

And I don't know, I have so much doubts. What if I place too much of my expectations into it to let it blow up in my face? What if I rushed into this without first thinking? And worst of all, what if its all in my head?

Surely I shouldn't be questioning it; Surely I just need to stop obsessing and plunge headfirst.

If I come out unscathed, then surely its meant to be.

A Drop In The Vast Sky.

2010-07-15T06:59:00.002+08:00

The world is such a beautiful place.

As the daylight breaks, there is this prominent pinkish blue glow that fills the horizon. The sun rises in slow fluid motions that breathe life into the dark sky like a quiet melody that accompanies the background of your thoughts. Everything is beautiful in the dawn, where everyone is innocently in bed unafraid of the demons that lurk in the world. Everything small and insignificant is a gorgeous pink glow, waking up with the day to face yet another day in the life. They wake up knowing that its a day to live, to live like you've never lived before and to cherish the majestic beauty that this world should always be.

Its easy to feel this way in the morning. Before the thoughts enter my mind and causes me to overthink. Before people influence my thoughts and I can no longer say for sure that the world is beautiful.

But right now, at this moment, the world is beautiful.

And The Story Goes...

2010-07-14T18:52:00.003+08:00

Hello :)

I am blogging for my very own new hp mini netbook which has been my source of happiness for the past 2 days :) let's hope that with this netbook comes more blog posts and a more dilligent blogger.

Been in a funk as per usual. The massive amount of homework coupled with all the lecturers beating down on us about how semester 2 is gonna be hell for all of us is enough to stress me out and at the same time elicit extreme restlessness. I've been having unproductive weekends where I spend hours on end stuck to my bed watching korean dramas and bawling like a baby while at the same time I've been having crazy hectic weekends where I barely have time to breathe let alone study. (my, my isn't excuses my best friend) The weekdays are spent slaving it out in college with super funny friends who makes it all bearable for me and lecturers who does the exact opposite of comforting me. I'm glad though that I've been keeping busy; perhaps I would have less time to wonder about miniscule everyday occurrences that sparks that familiar feeling.

But eh, I've been a master at ignoring these feelings lest i get disappointed in the future. Its thoughts that I store in the nooks of my brain and bring out when I'm having one of those days. And it helps in its own very strange ways to make me happier because its the little things and thoughts in life that makes for the greatest happiness. :)

So, life is good. :)

Excuses.

2010-06-30T22:45:00.003+08:00

Have I been making excuses this entire time?

Have I gone lazy, tired, just exhausted for incessantly trying to make myself happy?

Have I been biding my time just to lose that will to try again?

So many questions. Every day, another baffling question to wonder about.

Wicked.

2010-06-28T18:54:00.000+08:00

What a beautiful song ♥

Urgh.

2010-06-21T16:16:00.001+08:00

I have begun on the wrong footing with everyone.

Lets just say I want time to pass by now because I'm feeling owh-so-stupid. :(